Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 3

support of the charge, my Lord.
Judge. Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive and
decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the Grand Jury (to whom I
had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate
position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still the
present case is before the Court, and I must dispose of it. Can you assist
us in any way, Mr. PERPLEBAGGE?
Counsel for the Prosecution (_smiling_). I am afraid not, my Lord.
Judge. Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the Prisoner to
be taken back to--
Prisoner. To the place I was in last night? No, thankee!--not me! Look
here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don't we? Well, just to oblige
you--as Darmoor ain't 'alf bad in the summer, and as in course I did do
it--I plead guilty!
Judge (_with a sigh of relief_). Prisoner at the Bar, we are infinitely
beholden to you! [_Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy._
* * * * *
THE INVECTIVE OF H-RC-RT.
(_A FRAGMENT IN HEXAMETERS, NOT BY GEORGE
MEREDITH._)
[Illustration]

Heigh me! brazen of front, thou glutton for Ground Game, how can one,
Servant here to thy mandates heed thee among the Tories? Surely thy
mission is fudge, oh, DAWNAY, Conservative Colonel! I, Sir, hither I
fared on account of the cant-armed Sportsmen, Pledged to the combat;
they unto me have in no wise a harm done, Never have they, of a truth,
come putting my Hares and my Rabbits, Never in deep-soiled
Hampshire, the nurser of heroes and H-RC-RTS, Ravaged; but if I
found them among my trampled Carnations, Hares or Rabbits, or
gun-bearing Tories, by Jingo, I'd pot 'em! O hugely shameless! Thee
shall we follow to do an injustice Unto the farmers, seeing the Hares
a-munching their crops up? I do not sit at the feet of the blatant
Bordesley Gamaliel, Or of the unregenerate Agricultural Minister.
Close time? Fudge! The Hares were intended at last to perish Either by
sounding gun or the gaping jaws of the greyhound. Food for the people?
Cant! The promotion of Sport is the purpose Plain of this pestilent Bill,
which neutralises the victory Won, with much labour, by Me, my gift
to the sons of the furrow. DAWNAY talks as though the Hare were a
"domiciled animal." Shows what a deal he knows of Hares--save the
pleasure of killing 'em. Shall I give the nourishing farmers up to this
pillage? Nay, sure mine were the hands did most in the storm of the
combat, Ay, and when peradventure we share the booty amongst us,
After the General Election, the Tories may find--but no matter-r-r!
Surely a time will come,--not a "close time" that for the Tories,-- I
being outraged, then will give them particular pepper!
* * * * *
HEARTHILY WELCOME.
1900 (_Somewhere about_).--Introduction into London of new Patent
Smokeless Fuel, as experimentally exhibited in 1891 before the Prince
of WALES and Empress FREDERICK in York Road, King's Cross. A
few public-spirited householders insist on their cooks using it in the
kitchen. Cooks of public-spirited householders unanimously give
warning. No quotation of Fuel Company's shares on Stock Exchange.
1900 (_Later_).--Very reforming Parliament just returned. Use of new
Fuel made compulsory. Fuel shares go up from a nominal 2s. 6d. a

share to £437 6s. 8d. at a bound.
1901.--London already much cleaner. Only two fogs (white) in whole
of last winter. Consequent intense surprise of old residents, cabmen,
link-boys, porters, and pickpockets.
1902.--Retirement of several individuals, who declare they "liked the
good old London fogs," to Black Country. Statue in Parian marble of
inventor of new Fuel blocks erected on Thames Embankment.
1904.--Government buys up patent rights of Company, at ruinous
sacrifice. A Minister of Chimneyculture appointed, with Cabinet rank.
Blocks reduced in price, and sold at all Post Offices across the counter.
Postal messengers, on receipt of telephonic orders, bring truckfuls to
any address within ten minutes.
1905.--Green veils come into general use this summer, to keep off glare
from white stone houses and other buildings in West-End of London.
Several cases of partial loss of sight from extreme whiteness of dome
of St. Paul's. Dean ordered (by County Council) to have dome
lamp-blacked. Dean declines. Vote of thanks to him from resident staff
of Ophthalmic Hospital.
1906.--Owing to surprising and overpowering health of inhabitants
(caused by total absence of smoke and fogs), County Council
establishes Gymnasia, Rowing Matches, and free public Pugilistic
Contests, in order to work off surplus muscular energies of population.
1907.--Emigration of 2000 Doctors (who have no work to do) to one of
General BOOTH's Colonies at South Pole. Show (in Temple Gardens)
of delicate ferns and roses grown in atmosphere of Strand.
1908.--Strike of Whitewashers, Laundresses,