People You Know | Page 8

in
awful Silence and permitted the Judge and others to shake him by the
Hand.
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MORAL: An Associate Counsel should weigh at least 200 Pounds.
* * * * *

WHAT FATHER BUMPED INTO AT THE CULTURE FACTORY
A Domestic Team had a Boy named Buchanan who refused to Work,
so his Parents decided that he needed a College Education. After he got
that, he could enter a Learned Profession, in which Work is a mere
Side-Issue.
The Father and Mother of Buchanan sent to the College for a Bunk
Catalogue. The Come-On Book had a Green Cover and it was full of
Information. It said that the Necessary Expenses counted up about $180
a year. All Students were under helpful and moral Influences from the
Moment they arrived. They were expected to hit the Mattress at 10
P.M., while Smoking was forbidden and no one could go to Town
except on a Special Permit.
"This is just the Place for Buchanan," said his Mother. "It will be such a
Comfort to know that Son is in his Room every Evening."
Accordingly Buchanan was supplied with six Shirts, two Suits of
everything, a Laundry-Bag, a Pin-Cushion, a Ready-Repair Kit and a
Flesh Brush, and away he rode to the Halls of Learning. He wrote back
that he was Home-Sick but determined to stick out because he realized
the Advantages of a College Education. He said his Eyes hurt him a
little from Reading at Night and he had to buy a great many Extra
Books, but otherwise he was fine and fancy. Love to all and start a little

Currency by the first Mail.
After Buchanan had been toiling up the Hill of Knowledge for nearly
two Months, and sending hot Bulletins back to the Old Folks, his
Father decided to visit him and give him some Encouragement.
"The Poor Boy must be lonesome down there among all those
Strangers," said Father. "I'll drop in on him and brighten him up."
So Father landed in the College Town and inquired for Buchanan, but
no one had heard of such a Person.
"Perhaps you mean 'Old Buck,'" said a Pale Youth, with an ingrowing
Hat. "If he's the Indian you want to see, I'll show you where he hangs
out."
The Proud Parent was steered to a faded Boarding House and found
himself in a Chamber of Horrors that seemed to be a Cross between a
Junk-Shop and a Turkish Corner. Here he found the College Desperado
known as "Old Buck," attired in a Bath-Robe, plunking a stingy little
Mandolin and smoking a Cigarette that smelled as if somebody had
been standing too close to the Stove.
"Hello, Guv," said the Seeker after Truth. "Wait until I do a Quick
Change and we'll go out and get a few lines of Breakfast."
"Breakfast at 2 P.M.?" inquired Father.
"We had a very busy Night," explained Buchanan. "The Sophomores
have disputed our Right to wear Red Neckties, so last night we
captured the President of the Soph Class, tied him to a Tree and beat
him to a Whisper with a Ball Bat. Then we started over to set fire to the
Main Building and we were attacked by a Gang of Sophs. That is how I
happened to get this Bum Lamp. Just as he gave me the knee, I butted
him in the Solar Plexus. He's had two Doctors working on him ever
since. And now the Freshies are going to give me a Supper at the Dutch
Restaurant to-morrow Night and there is some Talk of electing me
Class Poet. So you see, I am getting along fine."

[Illustration: Souvenirs.]
"You are doing Great Work for a Mere Child," said the Parent. "If you
keep on, you may be U.S. Senator some day. But tell me, where did
you get all of these Sign-Boards, Placards, Head-stones and other
Articles of Vertu?"
"I swiped those," replied the Collegian. "In order to be a real Varsity
Devil, one must bring home a few Souvenirs every Night he goes out.
If the Missionaries did it, it would be called Looting. If the Common
People did it, it would be called Petit Larceny. But with us, it is merely
a Student Prank."
"I understand," said Father. "Nothing can be more playful than to nail a
Tombstone and use it for a Paper-Weight."
"Would you like to look around the Institution?" asked Buchanan.
"Indeed, I should," was the Reply. "Although I have been denied the
blessed Privileges of Higher Education, I love to get into an
Atmosphere of four-ply Intellectuality and meet those Souls who are
above the sordid Considerations of workaday Commercialism."
"You talk like a Bucket of Ashes," said the Undergraduate. "I'm not
going to put you up