People You Know | Page 9

against any Profs. Follow me and I'll fix it so that
you can shake Hands with the Guy that eats 'em alive. I'll take you over
to the Corral and show you the Wild-Cats. They've been drinking
Blood all Morning and are feeling good and Cagey. About 3 o'clock we
turn them out into the Arena and let them plow up the Turf."
"Is this a College or a Zoo?" asked the Parent.
"I refer to the Squad," said Buchanan. "We keep about 40 at the
Training Table all of the time, so that no matter how many are killed
off, we will always have 11 left. We have a Centre Rush who weighs
238, and you wouldn't dent him with a Hatchet. We caught him in the
Woods north of Town and brought him down here. He is taking a
Special Course in Piano Music two hours a Week and the rest of the

Time he is throwing Substitutes down and biting them on the Arm."
Buchanan and his trembling Parent sat at the edge of the Gridiron and
watched the Carnage for a while. Buchanan explained that it was
merely Friendly Practice.
That Evening the Son said: "Father, you can stay only a Little While
and I want to give you a Good Time while you are here. Come with us.
We are going down to the Opera House to put a Show on the Bum. One
of the first things we learn at College is to kid the Troupers. It is
considered Great Sport in these Parts. Then, if any one gets Pinched,
we tear down the Jail, thereby preserving the Traditions of dear old
Alma Mater."
"Does the Faculty permit you to be guilty of Disorderly Conduct?"
asked the Parent.
[Illustration: Friendly Practice.]
"Any one who goes against the Faculty single-handed is a Fink,"
replied Buchanan. "We travel 800 in a Bunch, so that when the Inquest
is held, there is no way of finding out just who it was that landed the
Punch. Anything that happens in a College Town is an Act of
Providence. Now come along and see the American Youth at Play."
They found their way to the Temple of Art. When the Chemical
Soubrette started in to sing "Hello, Central, give me Heaven," they
gave her just the Opposite of what she was demanding. A few Opera
Chairs were pulled up by the Roots and tossed on the Stage, merely to
disconcert the Artiste. When the House Policeman came he was hurled
30 Feet into the Air and soon after that the Show broke up. The Student
Body flocked out and upset a Trolley Car, and then they went
homeward in the Moonlight singing, "Sweet Memories of College Days,
La-la! La-la!"
Father's Hat was caved in and he was a trifle Bewildered, but he
managed to observe that the Boys were a trifle Boisterous when they
got a Fair Start.

"Oh, yes; but they don't Mean anything by it," explained Buchanan.
[Illustration: Preserving the Traditions.]
"I hope they will explain that to the House Policeman as soon as they
get him to the Hospital," said the Parent. "Otherwise, he might
misconstrue their Motives."
Next Day, when he went back, he told Mother not to worry about
Buchanan, as he seemed to have a full and sympathetic Grasp on the
true Inwardness of Modern Educational Methods.
* * * * *
MORAL: Attend to the Remittances and Son will do the Rest.
* * * * *

THE SEARCH FOR THE RIGHT HOUSE AND HOW MRS. JUMP
HAD HER ANNUAL ATTACK
Once there was a Family called Jump I that had sampled every Ward
within the Corporation Limits.
The Jumps did a Caravan Specialty every time the Frost went out of the
Ground.
When the Sarsaparilla Ads began to blossom, and the Peach Crop had
been ruined by the late Cold Snap and the Kids were batting up Flies in
the Lot back of the Universalist Church, and a Barrel-Organ down
Street was tearing the Soul out of "Trovatore"--these were the Cues for
Mrs. Jump to get her Nose into the Air and begin to champ at the Bit.
Mother was a House-Hunter from away back. She claimed to be an
Invalid eleven months out of the Year and took Nerve Medicine that
cost $2.00 a Bottle. Just the same when April hove into view and Dame
Nature began to stretch herself, then Mother put on her Short Skirt and

a pair of Shoes intended for a Man and did a tall Prance.
She was good for 12 hours a Day on any kind of Pavements. With her
Reticule loaded foil of "To Let" Clippings, she hot-footed from Street
to Street. Every time she struck a Fresh Trail she broke into a Run.
Mother