People You Know | Page 6

in the Grape
Arbor when she wanted to chew Gum, and she kept her Reading Matter
under the Mattress. Nearly every high-speed Bachelor in Town had
been forbidden the Premises because of the Stories that were going
around. The kind that Mother approved were of the Lilac Division with
White Puff Ties and their Hair glued down. They talked about Choir
Practice and sometimes, when they were sufficiently wrought up, they
played Charades.
The only Chance that Florine had to mingle with the Popular Boys was
to go down Town in the Afternoon and just happen to meet one of them
at the Ice-Cream Parlor. Florine learned to be quite a Happener. But on
the way home she would have to fix up a few Jules Vernes for the Old
Lady in the Watch Tower. Mother knew that it didn't take 4 Hours to be
measured for a Shirt Waist.
"Wait until I get Married," Florine would say. "I'll make that 20-hour
Flyer look like a Steam-Roller. If Mother doesn't let up on me, I'll learn
to smoke Cigarettes."
At times she was so Desperate that she was ready to join a Troupe or
elope with a Drummer. She wanted to get out among the Bright Lights
and hear the Band play. And she knew that she couldn't turn Flip-Flops
and break Furniture and play Rag-Time along after Midnight until she
had become a Respectable. Married Woman. So she had her Distress

Signal out and used to drop very Broad Hints, when she was chatting
with the Lads who happened to be in the Soda-Water Resort when she
dropped in. They liked Florine for Keeps, but when one of them
thought of clinching with old Eagle-Eye, the Family Sleuth, he
weakened.
[Illustration: The Night-Watch.]
Florine would have remained a Dead Card if she had not gone on a
Visit to a neighboring City where she bumped into the Town Trifler.
He had a Way of proposing to every Girl the first time he met her. It
always seemed to him such a cordial Send-Off for a budding
Friendship. Usually the Girl asked for Time and then the two of them
would Fiddle around and Fuss and Make Up and finally send back all
the Letters and that would be the Finish. Florine fooled the foxy
Philander. The Moment he came at her with the Marriage Talk she took
a firm Hold and said, "You're on! Get your License to-morrow morning.
Then cut all the Telegraph Wires and burn the Railroad Bridges."
They were Married, and, strange as it may appear, Mother immediately
resigned her Job as Policeman and said: "Thank goodness, I've got you
Married Off! Now you can do as you please."
When Florine found that she could do as she pleased she discovered
that there wasn't very much of anything to do except Settle Down.
After about seven Chafing-Dish Parties she expended her whole Stock
of pent-up Ginger and now she is just as Quiet as the rest of us.
* * * * *
MORAL: Any System is O.K. if it finally Works Out.
* * * * *

THE ATTENUATED ATTORNEY WHO RANG IN THE ASSOCIATE
COUNSEL

Once there was a sawed-off Attorney who had studied until he was
Bleary around the Eyes and as lean as a Razor-Back. He knew the Law
from Soup to Nuts, but much learning had put him a little bit to the
Willies. And his Size was against him. He lacked Bellows.
He was an inconspicuous little Runt. When he stood up to Plead, he
came a trifle higher than the Chair. Of the 90 pounds he carried, about
45 were Gray Matter. He had Mental Merchandise to burn but no way
of delivering it.
When there was a Rally or some other Gabfest on the Bills, the
Committee never asked him to make an Address. The Committee
wanted a Wind-Jammer who could move the Leaves on a Tree 200 feet
distant. The dried-up Lawyer could write Great Stuff that would charm
a Bird out of a Tree, but he did not have the Tubes to enable him to
Spout. When he got up to Talk, it was all he could do to hear himself.
The Juries used to go to sleep on him. He needed a Megaphone. And he
had about as much Personal Magnetism as an Undertaker's Assistant.
The Runt lost many a Case because he could not Bark at the Jury and
pound Holes in a Table. His Briefs had been greatly admired by the
Supreme Court. Also it was known that he could draw up a
copper-riveted Contract that would hold Water, but as a Pleader he was
a Pickerel.
At one time he had an Important Suit on hand, and he was Worried, for
he was