People You Know | Page 5

that I have here in
my Vest-Pocket a measly $50,000 that I have overlooked in changing
my Clothes. Give it to the Main Cheese and tell him to have a
Laboratory on me."
When the News got out all the sis-boom-ah Boys gave a Parade in their

Nighties. The Faculty called a Special Meeting and made Brad a
Doctor of Philosophy.
Next Year he put up for a Gym and they made him a Doctor of
Divinity.
The Year Following he handed them a Telescope and became an LL.D.
[Illustration: D.D.--LL.D.--Ph.D.]
Every time he coughed he was made some new kind of Doctor.
In fact, for a Man with a 6¼ Hat who did not know the difference
between the Pistil and the Stamen he was the most learned Thing in
Seven States. Professor Otis was crowded into the Ditch. Sometimes he
wonders which of the two has the nub end of the Argument that started
in the Red School-House.
* * * * *
MORAL: The Longest Way Around is the Shortest Way to the
University Degree.
* * * * *

THE NIGHT-WATCH AND THE WOULD-BE SOMETHING AWFUL
Once there was a full-sized Girl named Florine whose Folks kept close
Tab on her. Any night-blooming Harold who presumed to keep the
Parlor open after Midnight heard low Voices in the Hallway and then a
Rap on the Door. If Florine put on her Other Dress and went to a Hop
then Mother would sit up and wait for her, and 1 o'clock was the
Outside Limit. Consequently Florine would have to duck on the
Festivities just when everything was getting Good. Furthermore she
would have to warn Mr. Escort to behave himself when they drew near
the House.

"Nothing doing at the Gate," she would say, warningly. "It's Dollars to
Dumplings that the Girl Detective is peeking out to get a line on my
Conduct. She has her Ear to the Ground about four-thirds of the Time
and if any one makes a Move, then Mother is Next. If Father takes a
Drink at the Club and then starts Homeward on a fast Trolley, Mother
knows all about it when he is still three Blocks from the House. What's
more, she is a knowing Bird and can't be fooled by Cloves or these
little Peppermint Choo-Choos. The only time when Mother kisses
Father is when she wants to catch him with the Goods. Look Out! This
is our Corner."
As soon as they had landed at the Gate, little Florine would say in loud,
clear Tones that would carry as far as the Sitting-Room Window, "Oh,
Mr. Gilblitz, I have had a most charming Evening, and I wish to thank
you most heartily."
Whereupon the Escort, standing 8 Feet away, with his Concertina Hat
in his Hand and the Face in the Moonlight beaming with child-like
Innocence, would come back thusly: "It's awfully good of you to say
that. Good Night."
[Illustration: Florine.]
After which, Mother was supposed to believe that they had been 8 feet
apart all Evening. But Mother was Canny and up to Snuff, with a
Memory that reached back at least 25 Years. These little One-Act Plays
under the Window did not throw her off for any part of a Minute.
Before Florine turned in she was Cross-Examined and required to tell
with whom she had danced, and why and how often and what he said.
Occasionally the Daughter worked the Mental Reservation. In other
Words, she held out on Mother. She said that she had sat out most of
the Numbers, but she admitted going through a Square Dance with the
Young Man who passed the Plate at the Episcopal Church.
At which Mother would wink the Off Eye and murmur, "Is that so?"
with the Loud Pedal on the "That." Also something about being more
than Seven.

One of Florine's Ancestors on Mother's Side happened to be on Earth at
the time of the Revolution, and Father often spoke of a Second Cousin
who had been in Congress until the District tumbled to him. Because of
this Current of Blue Blood racing in her Veins, Florine was supposed to
be a trifle Classy and Mother was always afraid that she might get
Thumb-Marks on the Family Escutcheon. Therefore Florine was
forbidden to work up a Calling Acquaintance with any of the Hoi Polloi,
which is Greek for Selling-Platers. According to Mother, there were
only about 8 Families in Town that really belonged and some of them
didn't Belong enough to hurt. Florine found herself cut out of many a
Good Time because the Chaperon for the Occasion chanced to be
related to some one who had been in the Liquor Business.
Florine was up against it ever so Hard. She had to go out