Our American Cousin | Page 6

No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap--an ap--
Dun An ap-- an ap--
Flo An ap--an appoint--appointment.
Dun An ointment, that's the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]
Mrs M [Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Aug Yes, mamma. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Mrs M She is a great sufferer, my dear.
Dun Yeth, but a lonely one.
Flo What sort of a night had she?
Mrs M Oh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.
Flo What! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?
Dun Yeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn't pay the doctor's bill. Didn't that draught--
Flo Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
Dun Ha! ha! ha!
Flo What's the matter?
Dun That wath a joke, that wath.
Flo Where's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. M.]
Mrs M No.
Dun She don't see it. Don't you see--a game of drafts-- pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.
Flo A whime, what's that?
Dun A whime is a widdle, you know.
Flo A widdle!
Dun Yeth; one of those things, like--why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.
Flo Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum.
Dun Yeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?
Flo Yes.
Dun Well, I'll tell you--a draught. Now I've got a better one that that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary are down stage.]
Flo Yes, and willingly.
Dun When it's a cart. [They look at him enquiringly.]
Flo Why, what in earth has a dog's tail to do with a cart?
Dun When it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move.
Flo Oh, I see what you mean--when it's a wagon. [Wags the letter in her hand.]
Dun Well, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain't they! That's the idea--it's the same thing.
Flo They are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there's a very great difference.
Dun Now I've got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail?
Flo Upon my word, I never inquired.
Dun Because the tail can't waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!
Flo Ha! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?
Dun Now I've got one, and this one is original.
Flo No, no, don't spoil the last one.
Dun Yeth; but this is extremely interesting.
Mrs M Do you think so, Lord Dundreary?
Dun Yeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. Bye-the-bye, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn't she an interesting invalid? They do say that's what's the matter with me. I'm an interesting invalid.
Flo Oh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say-- Florence, dear, don't you think Lord Dundreary's extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before.
Dun Yeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey's milk.
Flo [Hiding laugh.] Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. [Goes up.]
Dun [Looking first at Florence and then at Mrs M.] I'm so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I'm naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I'll try it.
Enter Augusta. Bus. with Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E.
Dun Look at this lonely sufferer. [Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L.] There, repothe yourself.
Geo [Fanning herself] Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate.
Aug [At table.] Capt. De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color.
Flo An eye for color! Yes, especially green.
Dun [Screams.] Ha! ha! ha!
All What's the matter?
Dun Why, that wath a joke, that wath.
Flo Where was the joke?
Dun Especially, ha! ha!
Sir E Florence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business to-day.
Flo Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.
Sir E No, no; this is private business--money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. [Aside.] Luckily for them, I expect Mr. Coyle to-day.
Flo Dear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.
Sir E Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He's one of the family, almost.
Flo Papa, I have implicit faith in my