Our American Cousin | Page 7

own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.
Sir E Florence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. [Aside.] Curse him, I wish I could! Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.
Enter Binny, L. 3 E.
Binny Mr. Coyle and hagent with papers.
Sir E Show him into the library. I will be with him presently. [Exit Binny.]
Flo Remember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three.
Sir E Yes, yes, I'll remember. [Aside.] Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. [Aside.] Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. [Exit, R. 1 E.]
Flo Why will papa not trust me? [Vernon comes down, R.] Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine.
Dun Miss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.
Flo Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. [Aside to Harry.] Let's have some fun. Well, he's about 17 feet high!
Dun Good gracious! 17 feet high!
Flo They are all 17 feet high in America, ain't they, Mr. Vernon?
Ver Yes, that's about the average height.
Flo And they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with-- What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?
Ver Tomahawks and scalping knives.
Flo Yes; and you'd better take care, Miss Georgina, or he'll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. [Georgina screams and faints.]
Dun Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she's pale enough already. [Fans her with handkerchief.] Georgina, don't be afraid. Dundreary's by your side, he will protect you.
Flo Don't be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. [Pulls Dundreary's whiskers. Georgina screams.]
Dun Don't scream, I won't lose my whiskers. I know what I'll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. [Ties it on.]
Flo [Pretending to cry.] Good bye, Dundreary. I'll never see you again in all your glory.
Dun Don't cry, Miss Florence, I'm ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.
Enter Binny.
Binny If you please, Miss, 'ere's a gent what says he's hexpected.
Flo What's his name? Where's his card?
Binny He didn't tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card 'e said 'e had a whole pack in his valise, and if I 'ad a mine 'e'd play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn't mean to go.
Flo That's him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E.] That's my American cousin, I know.
Aug [Romantically.] Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn't it, Capt. De Boots? [Comes down.] I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest.
Asa [Outside, L. 3 E.] Consarn your picture, didn't I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumps' forelock, that wouldn't lie down and couldn't stand up. Would't pint forward and couldn't go backward.
Enter Asa, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.
Asa Where's the Squire?
Flo Do you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?
Asa Yes.
Flo He is not present, but I am his daughter.
Asa Well, I guess that'll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.
Flo What does he mean by shoat?
Binny [Taking valise.] He means me, mum; but what he wants--
Asa Hurry up, old hoss!
Binny He calls me a 'oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an 'ogg.
Asa Wal, darn me if you ain't the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.
Flo Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you-- my brother told us to expect you.
Asa Wal, yes, I guess you do b'long to my family. I'm Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You're my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain't got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.
Ver Sir, how dare you?
Asa Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain't, you've got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn't be alarmed, I ain't going to kiss you. Here's your young man's letter. [Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.]
Flo In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are