Oh! Susannah! | Page 5

your pocket money for a month! Ooh! (puts
his hand to his back) This lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to
my time of life----
Pearl. (quietly) What time is it now?
Plant. (hotly) I stop your pocket money for three months!
Pearl. (rises) Really, father, a solicitor should be more cautious. I
meant to say the time is getting on, (points to clock and crosses to
couch--stands behind Ruby) and you have not yet informed us of the

"very solemn" something you have to say.
Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice. (stands R. of couch)
I say when a man gets to my time of life--the future happiness of his
offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when
exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they neyer look
outside the family. Living as we do, in so fashionable a resort as
Southsea, we cannot be too --er--"tony" in such important matters. Now
you are both--as I know, being your father--heart-free.
(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.)
Ruby. (crying out) Oh!
Plant. How dare you interrupt me!
Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was----
Pearl. Sneak! (pinching her arm) Ruby. It was nothing!
(Pearl sits in big armchair.)
(aside to Pearl) Little cat!
Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have heard
from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor bears, and
no man is a hero to his--his Buttons. The one thing the doctor wants is a
wife.
Pearl. To look after his buttons?
Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my favourite, I mean my
first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife.
Ruby. A doctor's wife? (looks at Pearl)
Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united in
matrimony to dear Jack.

Ruby. Cheap Jack! He hasn't a penny!
Plant. Oh hasn't he?--er--(aside) Nearly let it out that time, (to her) I
mean should he be clever enough to win my Ruby. my Ruby
mine--er--this afternoon, he will be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing of your dear
old--your dear fond, fond father, (kisses her forehead) But only obey
me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile on us all--smile--smile.
Ruby. (bursts into tears) I can't smile--I won't! (turns to Pearl)
Pearl. (comes to meet her--aside to her) Of course you won't--I'll get
you out of it.
Plant. (angrily) Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, and you look a
perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never obeyed me in your
life--either of you--but I've made up my mind this time, and
damme--I'll make you obey me. I swear that dear cousin Jack shall be
my son-in-law. (crosses C.)
Pearl. (going quietly to him, standing between him and Ruby) If such is
your determination, I will sacrifice myself.
Plant. (contemptuously) You!
Ruby. (rushing to Pearl) You shan't!
Pearl. I will--what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in heaven
now-a-days.
Ruby. No, no, Pearl. you're too good. I'd rather marry him myself.
Pearl. You can't--you know you can't--you're engaged.
Ruby. Sneak! (pinches her arm)
(Pearl howls.)
Plant. (shouts) Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between sisters is most

unseemly. What do I dress you alike for?
Pearl. To save expense.
Plant. No, miss, to save jealousy, and I'll have no Jealousy about this.
Settle it amicably between you, (aside, crosses to R.) Good idea!
They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. (aloud)
Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want to show Jack.
I'll step over to our apartments----
Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's room!
Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now, remember,
one of you two must marry Jack--that's my last word, and you know my
word, like my profession, is law!
(Exit Plant.)
Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, (looking out of window) He's
brought us up to London to put us on the market
Ruby. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. (goes L.)
Pearl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just across the
street--it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. (picks up "Quayle on
Muscles" off couch, takes it to table)
Ruby. (at small table up stage L., opens case, shrieks) Ach! knives!
Pearl. (looks up from book) You wouldn't do for a doctor's wife,
whatever Pa says, (looks at picture) Besides, you're not free, but I am.
(sadly)
Ruby. Pearl. there's Waverly! (coming to her, looking over her
shoulder at picture)
Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's (turns to next picture) most
disappointing. He's been staying at Southsea with Lieutenant Merry for
a whole week, (turns page) and father's been away the whole time.

(turns page) And I've given him every possible encouragement.