Oh! Susannah! | Page 4

hours?
Aurora. I dunno, sir--all hours. Sometimes out all day. Sometimes don't
come home all night----
Plant. Ahem! That will do!
Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet
Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! (comes to back
of sofa and sits L. end)
Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. (confidentially) It's a case of----
Plant.. (yells in her ear) Ahem! That will do!
Aurora. Sorry I spoke!
Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for forty-eight hours.
Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful unusual in 'is 'abits.
Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. (to Ruby)
Ruby. (to Pearl) Poor fellow! He must be starving!
(Tupper looks admiringly at Ruby. and goes to fire, stands back to it,
legs apart.)
Plant., (aside) "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before the day's out.
It's hard not to tell one's own daughter--but I mustn't betray a
professional confidence.
Tupper. (aside) Fine gels! (to Ruby) 'E'll be wonderful glad to see you,
Miss.

Ruby. How do you know?
Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an' you're the fust
callers we've ever 'ad. (aside) Bar the tailor.
Ruby. The first? (to Pearl) He is starving!
Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. (crosses to Plant) He's
wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax
no hex rays to tell 'im. (to Ruby) 'E knows all what's goin' on in yer
innards----
Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er--no doubt, no doubt.
Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. (going to him) But I do 'ope you'll pay
afore leavin'--'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for
yet--an' if they ain't--they're a-comin' orf.
Plant. That'll do! We don't want to hear any fairy tales.
Tupper. (sadly) There ain't no tails about these 'ere. (looking at his
jacket) It's a norrible fac'!
Plant. You can go--(to Tupper) both of you. (to Aurora)
Aurora. (having fetched pail--to Tupper) Come aw'y, you talk too much.
I'm the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y.
(Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.)
Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. (puts book on couch)
Pearl. (to Ruby. who is reading a letter) Who's that from?
Ruby. Lieutenant Merry!
Pearl. Oh, let me read it!
(They read it together.)

Plant. (aside) A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young fool, and
here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never given me a penny,
except what I've borrowed. (Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at back)
I did think my chance had come when she sent for me to Cumberland. I
got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, thinking I might
fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called
me a fright, and began asking some damned awkward questions about
my late wife's trust money. Just my luck! (sits at writing table)
Pearl. (reading from letter which Ruby holds) "And, my darling
Ruby--if your father dies"--there's not much "if" about it. He does.
(taps her hair) I've seen the bottle.
(Both giggle.)
Plant. (aside, looking in pocket mirror) So I took the next train back to
Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town. If Ruby can only hook
the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved--if she can't--I'm--ahem!
Ruby. (aside to Pearl) And only think, Pearl. when he's an Admiral, I
shall be Lady Merry--perhaps a Duchess!
Pearl. But, father----
Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for his
birthday.
Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday--he looks more like 36.
(Both laugh.)
Plant. (to them) Stop that silly giggling! (crosses over to the two, sends
Pearl across to table) Go and sit over there. Ruby. my precious jewel, I
have something very solemn to say while we are waiting to see the
doctor.
Ruby. (jumping up, excitedly) Pa, don't say you've brought us for the
doctor to sound us.

Pearl. (quietly, sitting still) He shan't sound me!
Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the doctor, (pulls
Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)
Ruby. (excitedly) What about?
Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor Sheppard,
he is our cousin.
Ruby. Second cousin, pa!
Pearl. On mother's side.
Ruby. Three times removed.
Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the future. I
regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the friendship
of--er--dear cousin Jack.
Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to
cultivate any of our poor relations.
Plant. (hotly) Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact is.
Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs----(stroking his black locks)
Pearl. (quietly) Your what?
Plant. (jumping up) I stop