Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen | Page 6

'twas
thinkin' iv you an' th' likes iv you an' Schwartzmeister an' th' likes iv
him that med me wondher. If th' 'liance got into a war with Garmany,

an' some wan was to start a rough-an'-tumble in Ireland about iliction
time, I wondher wud th' cimint hold!"

HANGING ALDERMEN.
Chicago is always on the point of hanging some one and quartering him
and boiling him in hot pitch, and assuring him that he has lost the
respect of all honorable men. Rumors of a characteristic agitation had
come faintly up Archey Road, and Mr. Hennessy had heard of it.
"I hear they're goin' to hang th' aldhermen," he said. "If they thry it on
Willum J. O'Brien, they'd betther bombard him first. I'd hate to be th'
man that 'd be called to roll with him to his doom. He cud lick th' whole
Civic Featheration."
"I believe ye," said Mr. Dooley. "He's a powerful man. But I hear there
is, as ye say, what th' pa-apers 'd call a movement on fut f'r to dec'rate
Chris'mas threes with aldhermen, an' 'tis wan that ought to be
encouraged. Nawthin' cud be happyer, as Hogan says, thin th' thought
iv cillybratin' th' season be sthringin' up some iv th' fathers iv th' city
where th' childher cud see thim. But I'm afraid, Hinnissy, that you an'
me won't see it. 'Twill all be over soon, an' Willum J. O'Brien 'll go by
with his head just as near his shoulders as iver. 'Tis har-rd to hang an
aldherman, annyhow. Ye'd have to suspind most iv thim be th' waist.
"Man an' boy, I've been in this town forty year an' more; an' divvle th'
aldherman have I see hanged yet, though I've sthrained th' eyes out iv
me head watchin' f'r wan iv thim to be histed anny pleasant mornin'.
They've been goin' to hang thim wan week an' presintin' thim with a
dimon' star th' next iver since th' year iv th' big wind, an' there's jus' as
manny iv thim an' jus' as big robbers as iver there was.
"An' why shud they hang thim, Hinnissy? Why shud they? I'm an
honest man mesilf, as men go. Ye might have ye'er watch, if ye had
wan, on that bar f'r a year, an' I'd niver touch it. It wudden't be worth
me while. I'm an honest man. I pay me taxes, whin Tim Ryan isn't

assessor with Grogan's boy on th' books. I do me jooty; an' I believe in
th' polis foorce, though not in polismen. That's diff'rent. But honest as I
am, between you an' me, if I was an aldherman, I wudden't say, be
hivins, I think I'd stand firm; but--well, if some wan come to me an'
said, 'Dooley, here's fifty thousan' dollars f'r ye'er vote to betray th'
sacred inthrests iv Chicago,' I'd go to Father Kelly an' ask th' prayers iv
th' congregation.
"'Tis not, Hinnissy, that this man Yerkuss goes up to an aldherman an'
says out sthraight, 'Here, Bill, take this bundle, an' be an infamious
scoundhrel.' That's th' way th' man in Mitchigan Avnoo sees it, but 'tis
not sthraight. D'ye mind Dochney that was wanst aldherman here? Ye
don't. Well, I do. He ran a little conthractin' business down be Halsted
Sthreet 'Twas him built th' big shed f'r th' ice comp'ny. He was a fine
man an' a sthrong wan. He begun his political career be lickin' a
plasthrer be th' name iv Egan, a man that had th' County Clare thrip an'
was thought to be th' akel iv anny man in town. Fr'm that he growed till
he bate near ivry man he knew, an' become very pop'lar, so that he was
sint to th' council. Now Dochney was an honest an' sober man whin he
wint in; but wan day a man come up to him, an' says he, 'Ye know that
ordhnance Schwartz inthrajooced?' 'I do,' says Dochney, 'an I'm again it.
'Tis a swindle,' he says. "Well,' says th' la-ad, 'they'se five thousan' in it
f'r ye,' he says. They had to pry Dochney off iv him. Th' nex' day a man
he knowed well come to Dochney, an' says he, 'That's a fine ordhnance
iv Schwartz.' 'It is, like hell,' says Dochney. ''Tis a plain swindle,' he
says. ''Tis a good thing f'r th' comp'nies,' says this man; 'but look what
they've done f'r th' city,' he says, 'an think,' he says, 'iv th' widdies an'
orphans,' he says, 'that has their har-rd-earned coin invisted,' he says.
An' a tear rolled down his cheek. 'I'm an orphan mesilf,' says Dochney;
'an' as f'r th' widdies, anny healthy widdy with sthreet-car stock ought
to be ashamed iv hersilf if she's a widdy long,'