Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen | Page 7

he says. An' th' man wint
away.
"Now Dochney thought he'd put th' five thousan' out iv his mind, but he
hadn't. He'd on'y laid it by, an' ivry time he closed his eyes he thought
iv it. 'Twas a shame to give th' comp'nies what they wanted, but th' five
thousan' was a lot iv money. 'Twud lift th' morgedge. 'Twud clane up

th' notes on th' new conthract. 'Twud buy a new dhress f'r Mrs.
Dochney. He begun to feel sorrowful f'r th' widdies an' orphans. 'Poor
things!' says he to himsilf, says he. 'Poor things, how they must suffer!'
he says; 'an' I need th' money. Th' sthreet-car comp'nies is robbers,' he
says; 'but 'tis thrue they've built up th' city,' he says, 'an th' money 'd
come in handy,' he says. 'No wan 'd be hurted, annyhow,' he says; 'an',
sure, it ain't a bribe f'r to take money f'r doin' something ye want to do,
annyhow,' he says. 'Five thousan' widdies an' orphans,' he says; an' he
wint to sleep.
"That was th' way he felt whin he wint down to see ol' Simpson to
renew his notes, an' Simpson settled it. 'Dochney,' he says, 'I wisht ye'd
pay up,' he says. 'I need th' money,' he says. 'I'm afraid th' council won't
pass th' Schwartz ordhnance,' he says; 'an' it manes much to me,' he
says. 'Be th' way,' he says, 'how're ye goin' to vote on that ordhnance?'
he says. 'I dinnaw,' says Dochney. 'Well,' says Simpson (Dochney tol'
me this himsilf), 'whin ye find out, come an' see me about th' notes,' he
says. An' Dochney wint to th' meetin'; an', whin his name was called, he
hollered 'Aye,' so loud a chunk iv plaster fell out iv th' ceilin' an' stove
in th' head iv a rayform aldherman."
"Did they hang him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Faith, they did not," said Mr. Dooley. "He begun missin' his jooty at
wanst. Aldhermen always do that after th' first few weeks. 'Ye got ye'er
money,' says Father Kelly; 'an' much good may it do ye,' he says.
'Well,' says Dochney, 'I'd be a long time prayin' mesilf into five
thousan',' he says. An' he become leader in th' council. Th' las'
ordhnance he inthrojooced was wan establishin' a license f'r churches,
an' compellin' thim to keep their fr-ront dure closed an' th' blinds drawn
on Sundah. He was expelled fr'm th' St. Vincent de Pauls, an' ilicted a
director iv a bank th' same day.
"Now, Hinnissy, that there man niver knowed he was bribed--th' first
time. Th' second time he knew. He ast f'r it. An' I wudden't hang
Dochney. I wudden't if I was sthrong enough. But some day I'm goin' to
let me temper r-run away with me, an' get a comity together, an' go out
an' hang ivry dam widdy an' orphan between th' rollin' mills an' th'

foundlin's' home. If it wasn't f'r thim raypechious crathers, they'd be no
boodle annywhere."
"Well, don't forget Simpson," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I won't," said Mr. Dooley, "I won't."

THE GRIP.
Mr. Dooley was discovered making a seasonable beverage, consisting
of one part syrup, two parts quinine, and fifteen parts strong waters.
"What's the matter?" asked Mr. McKenna.
"I have th' lah gr-rip," said Mr. Dooley, blowing his nose and wiping
his eyes. "Bad cess to it! Oh, me poor back! I feels as if a dhray had run
over it. Did ye iver have it? Ye did not? Well, ye're lucky. Ye're a lucky
man.
"I wint to McGuire's wake las' week. They gave him a dacint sind-off.
No porther. An' himsilf looked natural, as fine a corpse as iver Gavin
layed out. Gavin tould me so himsilf. He was as proud iv McGuire as if
he owned him. Fetched half th' town in to look at him, an' give ivry
wan iv thim cards. He near frightened ol' man Dugan into a faint.
'Misther Dugan, how old a-are ye?' 'Sivinty-five, thanks be,' says
Dugan. 'Thin,' says Gavin, 'take wan iv me cards,' he says. 'I hope ye'll
not forget me,' he says.
"'Twas there I got th' lah grip. Lastewise, it is me opinion iv it, though
th' docthor said I swallowed a bug. It don't seem right, Jawn, f'r th'
McGuires is a clane fam'ly; but th' docthor said a bug got into me
system. 'What sort iv bug?' says I. 'A lah grip bug,' he says. 'Ye have
Mickrobes in ye'er lungs,' he says. 'What's thim?' says I. 'Thim's th' lah
grip bugs,' says he. 'Ye took wan in, an' warmed it,' he says; 'an' it has
growed an' multiplied till ye'er system does be full iv' thim,' he says,
'millions iv thim,' he says, 'marchin' an' counthermarchin' through ye.'