Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen | Page 5

said," Mr. Dooley replied, "that I cud write as good a wan mesilf;
an' he took th' stub iv a pencil, an' wrote this. Lemme see--Ah! here it
is:--
'Whin he shows as seekin' frindship with paws that're thrust in thine,
That is th' time iv pearl, that is th' thruce iv th' line.
'Collarless, coatless, hatless, askin' a dhrink at th' bar, Me Uncle Mike,
the Fenyan, he tells it near and far,
'Over an' over th' story: 'Beware iv th' gran' flimflam, There is no thruce
with Gazabo, th' line that looks like a lamb.'
"That's a good pome, too," said Mr. Dooley; "an' I'm goin' to sind it to
th' nex' meetin' iv th' Anglo-Saxon 'liance."

LORD CHARLES BERESFORD.
"I see be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "that Lord Char-les Beresford
is in our mist, as Hogan says."
"An' who th' divvle's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He's a Watherford man," said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed his father
well,--a markess be thrade, an' a fine man. Char-les wint to sea early;
but he's now in th' plastherin' business,--cemintin' th' 'liance iv th'
United States an' England. I'll thank ye to laugh at me joke, Mr.
Hinnissy, an' not be standin' there lookin' like a Chinny-man in a
sthreet-car."
"I don't know what ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy, softly.
"Lord Charles Beresford is a sort iv advance agent iv th' White Man's
Burden Thrajeedy Company,--two little Evas, four hundherd millyon
Topsies, six hundherd millyon Uncle Toms. He's billin' the' counthry f'r
th' threeyumphial tour iv th' Monsther Aggregation. Nawthin' can stop
it. Blood is thicker than wather; an' together, ar-rm in ar-rm, we'll
spread th' light iv civilization fr'm wan end iv th' wurruld to th' other,
no matther what you an' Schwartzmeister say, Hinnissy.
"Be hivins, I like th' way me kinsmen acrost th' sea, as th' pa-apers say,
threat us. 'Ye whelps,' says Lord Char-les Beresford an' Roodyard
Kipling an' Tiddy Rosenfelt an' th' other Anglo-Saxons. 'Foolish an'
frivolous people, cheap but thrue-hearted an' insincere cousins,' they
says. ''Tis little ye know about annything. Ye ar-re a disgrace to
humanity. Ye love th' dollar betther thin ye love annything but two
dollars. Ye ar-re savage, but inthrestin'. Ye misname our titles. Ye use
th' crool Krag-Jorgensen instead iv th' ca'm an' penethratin'
Lee-Metford. Ye kiss ye'er heroes, an' give thim wurruk to do. We
smash in their hats, an' illivate thim to th' peerage. Ye have desthroyed
our language. Ye ar-re rapidly convartin' our ancesthral palaces into
dwellin'-houses. Ye'er morals are loose, ye'er dhrinks ar-re enervatin'

but pleasant, an' ye talk through ye'er noses. Ye ar-re mussy at th' table,
an' ye have no religion. But ye ar-re whelps iv th' ol' line. Those iv ye
that ar-re not our brothers-in-law we welcome as brothers. Ye annoy us
so much ye must be mimbers iv our own fam'ly. Th' same people that is
washed occasionally be th' Mississippi as it rowls majistic along th'
imperyal States iv Oheeho an' Duluth, wathrin' th' fertyle plains iv
Wyoming an' Mattsachusetts, is to be found airnin' a livin' on th' short
but far more dirtier Thames. We have th' same lithrachoor. Ye r-read
our Shakspere so we can't undherstand it; an' we r-read ye'er aspirin'
authors, Poe an' Lowell an' Ol' Sleuth th' Detective. We ar-re not
onfamilyar with ye'er inthrestin' histhry. We ar-re as pr-roud as ye are
iv th' achievements iv Gin'ral Shafter an' Gin'ral Coxey. Ye'er
ambass'dures have always been kindly received; an', whether they
taught us how to dhraw to a busted flush or wept on our collars or
recited original pothry to us, we had a brotherly feelin' for thim that
med us say, "Poor fellows, they're doin' th' best they can." 'So,' says
they, 'come to our ar-ams, an' together we'll go out an' conquer th'
wurruld.'
"An' we're goin' to do it, Hinnissy. Th' rayciption that this here
sintimint has rayceived fr'm ivry wan that has a son in colledge is
almost tumulchuse. We feel like a long-lost brother that's been settin'
outside in th' cold f'r a week, an' is now ast in to supper--an' sarched at
th' dure f'r deadly weepins. We'll have to set up sthraight an' mind our
manners. No tuckin' our napkins down our throats or dhrinkin' out iv th'
saucer or kickin' our boots off undher the table. No reachin' f'r
annything, but 'Mah, will ye kindly pass th' Ph'lippeens?' or 'No, thank
ye, pah, help ye'ersilf first.'
"An' will we stay in? Faith, I dinnaw. We feel kindly to each other; but
it looks to me like, th' first up in th' mornin', th' first away with th'
valu'bles."
"I'll niver come in," protested Mr. Hennessy, stoutly.
"No more ye will, ye rebelyous omadhon," said Mr. Dooley. "An'