Mr Dooleys Philosophy | Page 3

wurruk Tiddy did in ar-rmin' an' equippin' himself, how he fed himsilf,
how he steadied himsilf in battle an' encouraged himsilf with a few
well-chosen wurruds whin th' sky was darkest. Ye'll have to take a
squint into th' book ye'ersilf to l'arn thim things."
"I won't do it," said Mr. Hennessy. "I think Tiddy Rosenfelt is all r-
right an' if he wants to blow his hor-rn lave him do it."
"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' if his valliant deeds didn't get into
this book 'twud be a long time befure they appeared in Shafter's histhry
iv th' war. No man that bears a gredge again' himsilf 'll iver be governor
iv a state. An' if Tiddy done it all he ought to say so an' relieve th'
suspinse. But if I was him I'd call th' book 'Alone in Cubia.'"

AMERICANS ABROAD
"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "what me Dutch frind Oom Paul'll think
whin he hears that Willum Waldorf Asthor has given four thousan'
pounds or twinty thousan' iv our money as a conthribution to th' British
governmint?"
"Who's Willum Waldorf Asthor?" Mr. Hennessy asked. "I niver heerd
iv him."
"Ye wudden't," said Mr. Dooley. "He don't thravel in ye'er set. Willum
Waldorf Asthor is a gintleman that wanst committed th' sin iv bein'
bor-rn in this counthry. Ye know what orig-inal sin is, Hinnissy. Ye
was bor-rn with wan an' I was bor-rn with wan an' ivrybody was bor-rn
with wan. 'Twas took out iv me be Father Tuomy with holy wather first
an' be me father aftherward with a sthrap. But I niver cud find out what
it was. Th' sins I've committed since, I'm sure iv. They're painted red
an' carry a bell an' whin I'm awake in bed they stan' out on th' wall like
th' ilicthric signs they have down be State sthreet in front iv th' clothin'
stores. But I'll go to th' grave without knowin' exactly what th' black
orig-inal sin was I committed. All I know is I done wrong. But with
Willum Waldorf Asthor 'tis dif'rent. I say 'tis diff'rent with Willum
Waldorf Asthor. His orig-inal sin was bein' bor-rn in New York. He
cudden't do anything about it. Nawthin' in this counthry wud wipe it out.
He built a hotel intinded f'r jooks who had no sins but thim iv their own
makin', but even th' sight iv their haughty bills cud not efface th' stain.
He thried to live down his crime without success an' he thried to live
down to it be runnin' f'r congress, but it was no go. No matther where
he wint among his counthrymen in England some wan wud find out he
was bor-rn in New York an' th' man that ownded th' house where he
was spindin' th' night wud ast him if he was a cannibal an' had he anny
Indyan blood in his veins. 'Twas like seein' a fine lookin' man with an
intel-lecjal forehead an' handsome, dar-rk brown eyes an' admirin' him,
an' thin larnin' his name is Mudd J. Higgins. His accint was proper an'
his clothes didn't fit him right, but he was not bor-rn in th' home iv his
dayscindants, an' whin he walked th' sthreets iv London he knew ivry
polisman was sayin': 'There goes a man that pretinds to be happy, but a

dark sorrow is gnawin' at his bosom. He looks as if he was at home, but
he was bor-rn in New York, Gawd help him.'
[Illustration]
"So this poor way-worn sowl, afther thryin' ivry other rimidy fr'm
dhrivin' a coach to failin' to vote, at las' sought out th' rile high clark iv
th' coort an' says he: 'Behold,' he says, 'an onhappy man,' he says. 'With
millyons in me pocket, two hotels an' onlimited credit, 'he says, 'me
hear-rt is gray,' he says. 'Poor sowl,' says th' clark iv th' coort, 'What's
ailin' ye'?' he says. 'Have ye committed some gr-reat crime?' he says.
'Partly,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor. 'It was partly me an' partly me
folks,' he says. 'I was,' he says, in a voice broken be tears, 'I was,' he
says, 'bor-rn in New York,' he says. Th' clark made th' sign iv th' cross
an' says he: 'Ye shudden't have come here,' he says. 'Poor afflicted
wretch,' he says, 'ye need a clargyman,' he says. 'Why did ye seek me
out?' he says. 'Because,' says Willum Waldorf Asthor, 'I wish,' he says,
'f'r to renounce me sinful life,' he says. 'I wish to be bor-rn anew,' he
says. An' th' clark bein' a kind man helps him out. An' Willum Waldorf
Asthor renounced fealty to all foreign sovereigns, princes an' potentates
an' especially Mack th' Wanst, or Twict, iv th' United States an' Sulu an'