Mr Dooleys Philosophy | Page 4

all his wur-ruks an' he come out iv th' coort with his hat cocked over his
eye, with a step jaunty and high, afther years iv servile freedom a
bondman at last!
"So he's a citizen iv Gr-reat Britain now an' a lile subject iv th' Queen
like you was Hinnissy befure ye was r-run out."
"I niver was," said Mr. Hennessy. "Sure th' Queen iv England was
renounced f'r me long befure I did it f'r mesilf--to vote."
"Well, niver mind," Mr. Dooley continued, "he's a citizen iv England
an' he has a castle that's as big as a hotel, on'y nobody goes there excipt
thim that's ast, an' not all of those, an' he owns a newspaper an' th'
editor iv it's the Prince iv Wales an' th' rayporthers is all jooks an' th'
Archbishop iv Canterbury r-runs th' ilivator, an' slug wan in th' printin'
office is th' Impror iv Germany in disgeese. 'Tis a pa-per I'd like to see.
I'd like to know how th' Jook iv Marlbro'd do th' McGovern fight. An'

some day Willum Waldorf Asthor'll be able to wurruk f'r his own
pa-aper, f'r he's goin' to be a earl or a markess or a jook or somethin'
gran'. Ye can't be anny iv these things without money, Hinnissy, an' he
has slathers iv it."
"Where does he get it?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
"F'rm this counthry," said Mr. Dooley.
"I shud think," Mr. Hennessy protested stoutly, "if he's ashamed iv this
counthry he wudden't want to take money f'rm it."
"That's where ye're wrong," Mr. Dooley replied. "Take money
annywhere ye find it. I'd take money f'rm England, much as I despise
that formerly haughty but now dejected land, if I cud get anny from
there. An' whin ye come down to it, I dinnaw as I blame Willum
Waldorf Asthor f'r shiftin' his allegiance. Ivry wan to his taste as th'
man said whin he dhrank out iv th' fire extinguisher. It depinds on how
ye feel. If ye ar-re a tired la-ad an' wan without much fight in ye, livin'
in this counthry is like thryin' to read th' Lives iv the Saints at a meetin'
iv th' Clan-na- Gael. They'se no quiet f'r annybody. They's a fight on
ivry minyit iv th' time. Ye may say to ye'ersilf: 'I'll lave these la-ads roll
each other as much as they plaze, but I'll set here in th' shade an' dhrink
me milk punch, but ye can't do it. Some wan 'll say, 'Look at that
gazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our simple
dimmycratic festivities. Lave us go over an' bate him on th' eye.' An'
they do it. Now if ye have fightin' blood in ye'er veins ye hastily gulp
down yeer dhrink an' hand ye'er assailant wan that does him no kind iv
good, an' th' first thing ye know ye're in th thick iv it an' its scrap, scrap,
scrap till th' undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. An' 'tis tin to wan
they'se somethin' doin' at th' fun'ral that ye're sorry ye missed. That's
life in America. Tis a gloryous big fight, a rough an' tumble fight, a
Donnybrook fair three thousan' miles wide an' a ruction in ivry block.
Head an' ban's an' feet an' th' pitchers on th' wall. No holds barred.
Fight fair but don't f'rget th' other la-ad may not know where th' belt
line is. No polisman in sight. A man's down with twinty on top iv him
wan minyit. Th' next he's settin' on th' pile usin' a base-ball bat on th'
neighbor next below him. 'Come on, boys, f'r 'tis growin' late, an' no

wan's been kilt yet. Glory be, but this is th' life!'
"Now, if I'm tired I don't want to fight. A man bats me in th' eye an' I
call f'r th' polis. They isn't a polisman in sight. I say to th' man that
poked me: 'Sir, I fain wud sleep.' 'Get up,' he says, 'an' be doin',' he says.
'Life is rale, life is earnest,' he says, 'an' man was made to fight,' he says,
fetchin' me a kick. An' if I'm tired I say, 'What's th' use? I've got plenty
iv money in me inside pocket. I'll go to a place where they don't know
how to fight. I'll go where I can get something but an argymint f'r me
money an' where I won't have to rassle with th' man that bates me
carpets, ayether,' I says, 'f'r fifty cints overcharge or good govermint,' I
says. An' I pike off to what Hogan calls th' effete monarchies iv Europe
an' no wan walks on me toes, an' ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an
acrobat an'