Mr Dooleys Philosophy | Page 2

janial author tell th' story in his own wurruds.
"'Th' sicrety iv war had offered me,' he says, 'th' command of a
rig'mint,' he says, 'but I cud not consint to remain in Tampa while
perhaps less audacious heroes was at th' front,' he says. 'Besides,' he
says, 'I felt I was incompetent f'r to command a rig'mint raised be
another,' he says. 'I detarmined to raise wan iv me own,' he says. 'I
selected fr'm me acquaintances in th' West,' he says, 'men that had

thravelled with me acrost th' desert an' th' storm-wreathed mountain,' he
says, 'sharin' me burdens an' at times confrontin' perils almost as gr-reat
as anny that beset me path,' he says. 'Together we had faced th' turrors
iv th' large but vilent West,' he says, 'an' these brave men had seen me
with me trusty rifle shootin' down th' buffalo, th' elk, th' moose, th'
grizzly bear, th' mountain goat,' he says, 'th' silver man, an' other
ferocious beasts iv thim parts,' he says. 'An' they niver flinched,' he says.
'In a few days I had thim perfectly tamed,' he says, 'an' ready to go
annywhere I led,' he says. 'On th' thransport goi'n to Cubia,' he says, 'I
wud stand beside wan iv these r-rough men threatin' him as a akel,
which he was in ivrything but birth, education, rank an' courage, an'
together we wud look up at th' admirable stars iv that tolerable southern
sky an' quote th' bible fr'm Walt Whitman,' he says. 'Honest, loyal,
thrue-hearted la-ads, how kind I was to thim,' he says."
[Illustration: Read the articles by Roosevelt and Davis in the Car Fare
Magazine]
"'We had no sooner landed in Cubia than it become nicessry f'r me to
take command iv th' ar-rmy which I did at wanst. A number of days
was spint be me in reconnoitring, attinded on'y be me brave an' fluent
body guard, Richard Harding Davis. I discovered that th' inimy was
heavily inthrenched on th' top iv San Juon hill immejiately in front iv
me. At this time it become apparent that I was handicapped be th'
prisence iv th' ar-rmy,' he says. 'Wan day whin I was about to charge a
block house sturdily definded be an ar-rmy corps undher Gin'ral
Tamale, th' brave Castile that I aftherwards killed with a small
ink-eraser that I always carry, I r-ran into th' entire military force iv th'
United States lying on its stomach. 'If ye won't fight,' says I, 'let me go
through, 'I says. 'Who ar-re ye?' says they. 'Colonel Rosenfelt,' says I.
'Oh, excuse me,' says the gin'ral in command (if me mimry serves me
thrue it was Miles) r-risin' to his knees an' salutin'. This showed me
'twud be impossible f'r to carry th' war to a successful con-clusion
unless I was free, so I sint th' ar-rmy home an' attackted San Juon hill.
Ar-rmed on'y with a small thirty-two which I used in th' West to shoot
th' fleet prairie dog, I climbed that precipitous ascent in th' face iv th'
most gallin' fire I iver knew or heerd iv. But I had a few r-rounds iv gall

mesilf an' what cared I? I dashed madly on cheerin' as I wint. Th'
Spanish throops was dhrawn up in a long line in th' formation known
among military men as a long line. I fired at th' man nearest to me an' I
knew be th' expression iv his face that th' trusty bullet wint home. It
passed through his frame, he fell, an' wan little home in far-off
Catalonia was made happy be th' thought that their riprisintative had
been kilt be th' future governor iv New York. Th' bullet sped on its mad
flight an' passed through th' intire line fin'lly imbeddin' itself in th'
abdomen iv th' Ar-rch-bishop iv Santiago eight miles away. This ended
th' war.'
"'They has been some discussion as to who was th' first man to r-reach
th' summit iv San Juon hill. I will not attempt to dispute th' merits iv th'
manny gallant sojers, statesmen, corryspondints an' kinetoscope men
who claim th' distinction. They ar-re all brave men an' if they wish to
wear my laurels they may. I have so manny annyhow that it keeps me
broke havin' thim blocked an' irned. But I will say f'r th' binifit iv
Posterity that I was th' on'y man I see. An I had a tillyscope.'"
"I have thried, Hinnissy," Mr. Dooley continued, "to give you a fair
idee iv th' contints iv this remarkable book, but what I've tol' ye is on'y
what Hogan calls an outline iv th' principal pints. Ye'll have to r-read
th' book ye'ersilf to get a thrue conciption. I haven't time f'r to tell ye th'