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unhappy too soon, and the wise at the
right time."
When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasant
thoughts.
"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked a
newspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian.
"Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman replied.
MURIEL--"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty."
MABEL--"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm married!"--Life.
My first gray hair! I never knew that you were there, Nor least expected
you would come so soon-- But you are there; From whence you came
or where I know not, but I care.
You make me stop and wonder Why I find you there to-night, Is it
some worry or some fright That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white?
You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet. On that your fondest curls you bet,
For just as long as you are there I'll hide you very neatly--there! And
none will wonder--only I, at you-- My first gray hair.
--Wells Hawks.
One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond being told
he is getting old.
_Twenty-One Plus_
FIRST SUFFRAGIST--"How old do you think Mabel is?"
SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about
seventeen votes."
A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the census
taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," she
asked--"The Hill twins?"

"Certainly," replied the census man.
"And did they tell you their age?"
"Yes."
"Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."
"Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "Sarah
Stokes, as old as the Hills."
I remember, I remember, The fir trees dark and high; I used to think
their slender tops Were close against the sky; It was a childish
ignorance, But now 'tis little joy To know I'm farther off from heaven
Than when I was a boy.
PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness,
as it is merely an indication of advancing years."
MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"
"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"
"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"
"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr.
Jones raised his ante."

AGRICULTURE
"Crop failures?" asked the old timer.
"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almost
nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres
of corn at one meal!"--Life.
See also Farming; Laws.

ALARM CLOCKS
To-day I bought an alarm-clock, It has a very loud ring. I think I will
call it the Star-Spangled Banner, For every time I hear it I have to get
up.
A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above
everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every
morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and the
farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an
alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But
one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer

immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his
alarm-clock was to blame.
Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to
find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces,
and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.
"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't
run--the engineer bane daid."
"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."
"So did I--an alarm clock."
"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is
one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."
"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man
behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind that will
wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."
See also Philadelphia; Tardiness.

ALIBI
TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"
BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't."

ALIMONY
Or Go to Jail "Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?"
asked the Friend who was seeking free advice.
"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."

ALPHABET
MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, what
comes after 'g'?"
THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--Judge.

ALTERNATIVES
See Choices.

AMBITION
Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home.
Second, to own a car to get away from his home.
Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice
makes concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a
means to happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate