More Toasts | Page 9

it as
an end.--Colton.
To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire; and
this desire must shorten thy sleep.--Ovid.
The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of
glory.--Cicero.
When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is
boundless.--Seneca.

AMERICANS
A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an
advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg is
desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his left
leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase of boots
and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very politely
comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he never
loses his head."
"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine
attitude, eh?"
"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging to
a strap."
"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who
George Washington was?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."
"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George
Washington was remarkable for?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he
was an American and told the truth."
A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this
just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said a

Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"

AMUSEMENTS
It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in the
house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighbors
excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit.
Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes
and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment
and he burst into inappropriate guffaws.
At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.
"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming
eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you don't
like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"

ANCESTRY
HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They
were one of the first to come across."
RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to
come across."--Judge.
"Pa, what are ancestors?"
"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."
"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"
HE--"My ancestors came over in the Mayflower."
SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter
now."

ANIMALS
It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.
"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.
After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think the
kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."

ANTICIPATION
"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater than
realization?"

"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but
realization is longer and flatter."

ANTIQUES
"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?
When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."
"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled the
same stock 'Antiques.'"
CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I
priced it last week and you said three hundred and fifty."
DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone
up so!"
AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale
of antiques you have been planning?"
BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers
are on strike in Grand Rapids."

APARTMENTS
MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."
JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."
Necessarily So "I wonder if they take children in these apartments."
"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."
"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette
apartment?"
"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--Judge.

APPEARANCES
A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his
wife's appearance shows how much he is spending.
In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A
man with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than
he who has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there in it?

But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general
system.--Johnson.
A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor
by seeming rich.--Shenstone.
Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold.
--Chesterfield.
In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior, in
order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so