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"Yours," "MABELLE JONES."
"P. S.--Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I have just come to
Rochester and so I haven't got many clothes."--Rochester Herald.
His Little Ad There was a man in our town And he was wondrous wise;
He swore (it was his policy) He would not advertise. But one day he
did advertise, And thereby hangs a tail, The "ad" was set in quite small
type, And headed "Sheriff's Sale."
Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while in
London. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when
he visited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decided
that the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that there should be
more display of his attraction.
Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the front be

brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lights spelling his
name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name "Holmes."
The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him to
authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmes
traveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner, who
referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr. Holmes
to the janitor of the theater.
"I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an
hour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detail of
the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater was a
very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put up the
sign. I asked him why?"
"Because it would attract too much attention to the theater," the janitor
replied.
"What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman.
"Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want them
pants," said the old farmer, leading the way to the window and pointing
to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5.20."
See also Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship.

ADVICE
The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn't
let you know what advice he wants.
Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice.
It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easier teach
twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to follow
mine own teaching.--Shakespeare.
Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who
might profit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit by
it--if they could, they wouldn't need it.
How often have my kindly friends, (When Fate has dealt me some

shrewd blow), Recalling random odds and ends Of counsel, cried: "I
told you so!"
But when 'twas I who warned, and they Who heeded not, and came to
woe, I wonder why they'd never say: "That's right, old chap, you told
me so!"

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
_Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_
Three long breaths. Compliment to the audience. Funny Story. Outline
of what speaker is not going to say. Points that he will touch on later.
Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. Outline of what speaker is going to
say. Points that he has not time to touch on now. Reference to what he
said first. Funny Story. Compliment to the audience. Ditto to our City,
State and Country. Applause.
N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three
times in slightly different words.--Mary Eleanor Roberts.
"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked the
editor with the copy in his hand.
"Yes, sir," replied the reporter.
"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think that is
proper?"
"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would
make any table groan."
See also Politicians; Public speakers.

AGE
HE--"How old are you?"
SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three."
HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two."
A judge asked a woman her age.
"Thirty," she replied.
"You've given that age in this court for the last three years."
"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thing
tomorrow."
"Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street and

see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."
"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned and
reported:
"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."
"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"
"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."
"Gracious! How was that?"
"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original of this
is carefully preserved.'"
Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragedienne
wrote: "The conceited never; the