Monsieur de Pourceaugnac | Page 8

to the experience, judgment, knowledge and
sufficiency that you have acquired in our art. Dixi.
2ND PHY. Heaven forbid, Sir, that it should enter my thoughts to add
anything to what you have just been saying! You have discoursed too
well on all the signs, symptoms, and causes of this gentleman's disease.
The arguments you have used are so learned and so delicate that it is
impossible for him not to be mad and hypochondriacally melancholic;
or, were he not, that he ought to become so, because of the beauty of
the things you have spoken, and of the justness of your reasoning. Yes,
Sir, you have graphically depicted, _graphice depinxisti_, everything
that appertains to this disease. Nothing can be more learnedly,
judiciously, and ingeniously conceived, thought, imagined, than what
you have delivered on the subject of this disease, either as regards the
diagnostic, the prognostic, or the therapeutic; and nothing remains for
me to do but to congratulate this gentleman upon falling into your
hands, and to tell him that he is but too fortunate to be mad, in order to
experience the gentle efficacy of the remedies you have so judiciously
proposed. I approve them in toto, manibus et pedibus descendo in tuam
sententiam. All I should like to add is to let all his bleedings and
purgings be of an odd number, _numero deus impare gaudet_, to take
the whey before the bath, and to make him a forehead plaster, in the
composition of which there should be salt--salt is a symbol of wisdom;

to whitewash the walls of his room, to dissipate the gloominess of his
mind; _album est disgregativum visas_; and to give him a little
injection immediately, to serve as a prelude and introduction to those
judicious remedies, from which, if he is curable, he must receive relief.
Heaven grant that these remedies, which are yours, Sir, may succeed
with the patient according to our wish!
MR. POUR. Gentlemen, I have been listening to you for the last hour.
Are we acting a comedy here?
1ST PHY. No, Sir; we are not acting a comedy.
MR. POUR. What does it all mean? What are you about with this
gibberish and nonsense of yours?
1ST PHY. Ah! Insulting language! A diagnostic which was wanting for
the confirmation of his disease. This may turn to mania.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). With what kind of people have they left me
here. (_He spits two or three times._)
1ST PHY. Another diagnostic: frequent expectoration.
MR. POUR. Let us cease all this, and go away.
1ST PHY. Another: anxiety to move about.
MR. POUR. What is the meaning of all this business? What do you
want with me?
1ST PHY. To cure you, according to the order we have received.
MR. POUR. Cure me?
1ST PRY. Yes.
MR. POUR. S'death! I am not ill.
1ST PHY. It is a bad sign when a patient does not feel his illness.
MR. POUR. I tell you that I am quite well.
1ST PRY. We know better than you how you are; we are physicians
who see plainly into your constitution.
MR. POUR. If you are physicians, I have nothing to do with you; and I
snap my fingers at all your physic.
1ST PRY. H'm! h'm! This man is madder than we thought.
MR. POUR. My father and mother would never have anything to do
with remedies; and they both died without the help of doctors.
1ST PHY. I do not wonder if they have begotten a son who is mad. (To
the 2ND PHYSICIAN) Come, let us begin the cure; and, through the
exhilarating sweetness of harmony, let us dulcify, lenify, and pacify the
acrimony of his spirits, which, I see, are ready to be inflamed. (Exeunt.)

SCENE XII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_alone_).
What the devil is all this? Are the people of this place crazy? I never
saw anything like it; and I don't understand it a bit.

SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in
grotesque clothes_).
(_They all three at first sit down; the PHYSICIANS rise up at different
times to bow to MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, Who rises up as often to
bow to them in return_.)
THE TWO PHYSICIANS. Buon dì, buon dì, buon dì! Non vi lasciate
uccidere Dal dolor malinconico. Noi vi faremo ridere Col nostro canto
armonico; Sol per guarirvi. Siamo venuti quì. Buon dì, buon dì, buon
dì!
1ST PHYSICIAN. Altro non è la pazzia Che malinconia. Il malato Non
è disperato Se vol pigliar un poco d'allegria, Altro non è la pazzia Che
malinconia.
2ND PHYSICIAN. Sù; cantate, ballate, ridete. E, se far meglio volete,
Quando sentite il deliro vicino Pigliate del vino, E qualche volta un
poco di tabàc. Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnàc.
[Translation:]
THE TWO PHYSICIANS. Good day, good day, good day! Yield not