Monsieur de Pourceaugnac | Page 7

when I have made a hearty supper.
1ST PHY. Do you dream much?
MR. POUR. Now and then.
1ST PHY. Of what nature are your dreams?
MR. POUR. Of the nature of dreams. What the deuce is the meaning of
this conversation?
1ST PHY. Have a little patience. We will reason upon your affair in
your presence; and we will do it in the vulgar tongue, so that you may
understand better.
MR. POUR. What great reasoning is there wanted to eat a mouthful?
1ST PHY. Since it is a fact that we cannot cure any disease without
first knowing it perfectly, and that we cannot know it perfectly without
first establishing its exact nature and its true species by its diagnosis
and prognosis, you will give me leave, you, my senior, to enter upon
the consideration of the disease that is in question, before we think of
the therapeutics and the remedies that we must decide upon in order to
effect a perfect cure. I say then, Sir, if you will allow me, that our
patient here present is unhappily attacked, affected, possessed, and

disordered by that kind of madness which we properly name
hypochondriac melancholy; a very trying kind of madness, and which
requires no less than an Aesculapius deeply versed in our art like you;
you, I say, who have become grey in harness, as the saying hath it; and
through whose hands so much business of all sorts has passed. I call it
hypochondriac melancholy, to distinguish it from the other two; for the
celebrated Galen establishes and decides in a most learned manner, as
is usual with him, that there are three species of the disease which we
call melancholy, so called, not only by the Latins, but also by the
Greeks; which in this case is worthy of remark: the first, which arises
from a direct disease of the brain; the second, which proceeds from the
whole of the blood, made and rendered atrabilious; and the third,
termed hypochondriac, which is our case here, and which proceeds
from some lower part of the abdomen; and from the inferior regions,
but particularly the spleen; the heat and inflammation whereof sends up
to the brain of our patient abundance of thick and foul fuliginosities; of
which the black and gross vapours cause deterioration to the functions
of the principal faculty, and cause the disease by which he is manifestly
accused and convicted. In proof of what I say, and as an incontestable
diagnostic of it, you need only consider that great seriousness, that
sadness, accompanied by signs of fearfulness and
suspicion--pathognomonic and particular symptoms of this disease, so
well defined by the divine ancient Hippocrates; that countenance, those
red and staring eyes, that long beard, that habit of body, thin, emaciated,
black, and hairy--signs denoting him greatly affected by the disease
proceeding from a defect in the hypochondria; which disease, by lapse
of time, being naturalised, chronic, habitual, ingrained, and established
within him, might well degenerate either into monomania, or into
phthisis, or into apoplexy, or even into downright frenzy and raving.
All this being taken for granted, since a disease well-known is a disease
half cured, for _ignoti nulla est curatio morbis_, it will not be difficult
for you to conclude what are the remedies needed by our patient. First
of all, to remedy this obdurate plethora, and this luxuriant cacochymy
throughout the body, I opine that he should be freely phlebotomised; by
which I mean that there should be frequent and abundant bleedings,
first in the basilic vein, then in the cephalic vein; and if the disease be
obstinate, that even the vein of the forehead should be opened, and that

the orifice be large, so that the thick blood may issue out; and, at the
same time, that he should be purged, deobstructed, and evacuated by fit
and suitable purgatives, i.e. by chologues and melanogogues. And as
the real source of all this mischief is either a foul and feculent humour
or a black and gross vapour, which obscures, empoisons, and
contaminates the animal spirits, it is proper afterwards that he should
have a bath of pure and clean water, with abundance of whey; to purify,
by the water, the feculency of the foul humour, and by the whey to
clarify the blackness of the vapour. But, before all things, I think it
desirable to enliven him by pleasant conversations, by vocal and
instrumental music, to which it will not be amiss to add dancers, that
their movements, figures, and agility may stir up and awaken the
sluggishness of his spirits, which occasions the thickness of his blood
from whence the disease proceeds. These are the remedies I propose, to
which may be added many better ones by you, Sir, my master and
senior, according