Manners and Social Usages | Page 4

leave
my cards" is the legend written on their banners.
Thus to women, as the conductors of social politics, is committed the
card--that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined in every
land but our own.
Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted we
find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as between

two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where so many
doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions as
expressed by the customs of New York society.
When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable acquaintance?
Not hastily. She should have met the new and desirable acquaintance,
should have been properly introduced, should feel sure that her
acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in
fashion, should call first; but, if there is no such distinction, two women
need not forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very
admirable and polite expedient has been: substituted for a first call in
the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who
wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These may or
may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend. If
these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of the desired guests,
the beginner may feel that she has started on her society career with no
loss of self respect. Those who do not respond are generally in a
minority. Too much haste in making new acquaintances,
however--"pushing," as it is called-cannot be too much deprecated.
First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited to any
entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation come
through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, and send
either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this matter is a great
rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment or not, she should call
after it within a week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having
shown herself a woman of good-breeding, she can keep up the
acquaintance or not as she pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a
lady does not wish to keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for
her own sake, be oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude
people in New York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize
the first attempt at civility, saying, "We don't know the people." This is
not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York, Boston,
and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and generally in
the country: towns, residents call first upon new-comers; but in
Washington this custom is reversed, and the new-comer calls first upon
the resident. Every one--officials of the highest down to the lowest
grade returns these cards. The visitor generally finds himself invited to
the receptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is

so convenient that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all
over the country, particularly in those large cities where the resident
cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless informed in some
such way of the fact.
This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the intrusion of
unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide through the mazes of
society, will enable a woman to avoid anything like an unwelcome
intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, even if such a person should "call
first."
Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree: When may a
lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must she
call in person?
After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if the
hostess is at home. For other entertainments it is allowed, in New York,
that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her card. In sending
to inquire for a person's health, cards may be sent by a servant, with a
kindly message.
No first visit should, however, be returned by card only; this would be
considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation. The size of New
York, the great distances, the busy life of a woman of charities, large
family, and immense circle of acquaintances may render a personal
visit almost impossible. She may be considered to have done her duty if
she in her turn asks her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified
day, if she is not herself able to call.
Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave any) on the master and
mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young ladies. A
gentleman does not turn down the corners of his