La Tontine | Page 3

dirty, too sweet, too hard, too fatty. What the devil do you want me to eat?
Peacock An ounce of fresh cheese?
Dudley Fresh cheese?
Peacock With two or three glasses of laxatives.
Dudley I am dead and buried
(Enter Trippet.)
Trippet Sir, there's a man down there who insists on speaking to you.
Peacock (going out) Let's see what he wants of us.
(Exit Peacock.)
Dudley Ah!
Trippet You sigh! What caused you to sigh like that, my poor Dudley?
Dudley They're going to bleed me again and give me an enema.
Trippet What's wrong with you?
Dudley They say I have extended diaphragm muscles, and I don't know how many other maladies. Yet, I don't feel a bit sick.
Trippet That's terrible, my friend, that's terrible. Not to know what's wrong.
Dudley Since I've been in this house, I've lost more blood than I did in twenty years as a soldier.
Trippet I believe it.
Dudley Doctor Peacock intends to make me the last survivor of my group--but if this keeps up, I won't last another month.
Trippet That's a chance you take.
Dudley Let's speak openly. Even if I survive the bleeding, I won't survive the diet. I'll starve.
Trippet He practices austerity in his own eating habits.
Dudley Aie! How can I resist him. He thinks I'm weak and prescribes for my maladies. He watches my food. He forbids me wine. Damn his medicine and science. It would be better not to interfere with nature.
Trippet To forbid wine to a man of your type is the same as forbidding women to a man of a different sort.
Dudley Trippet, my dear Trippet, are you capable of pity?
Trippet Without a doubt. What can I do for you?
Dudley You run the house. If you would give me a bottle of wine, I will owe you my life.
Trippet Heaven preserve me from doing such a thing. If the doctor has forbidden you wine then that proves it isn't good for you.
Dudley (kneeling) I beg you, on my knees.
Trippet Useless prayer.
Dudley At least give me a pork chop.
Trippet Not a slice!
Dudley Ah, if only I were young again. You'd give me the keys to the wine cellar.
Trippet I wouldn't bet on that.
Peacock (entering and seeing Dudley on his knees to Trippet) Ah, Dudley! How passionate you are! My God! That's no way to prepare for an enema. Come along, return to your room and try to calm yourself while waiting for the return of Mr. Flem. (Dudley leaves) That's funny, really.
Trippet Do you have any idea what he wanted from me?
Peacock It's not really difficult to figure out. Dirty old gallows-bird.
Trippet He was trying to cajole me with his sweet talk and passionate gestures--but I'm not that kind of woman.
Peacock Good, Trippet. Don't give in to human weakness.
Trippet I'd let him croak before he could have any.
Peacock Now wait a minute--if he shows any signs of croaking! You must satisfy him, Trippet! Ahem! I intend that he live a long life.
Trippet We are talking at cross-purposes.
Peacock Oh, that! Trippet, they've come to get me to see a patient--a feverish cantor who refuses to drink a purge--but before I leave, it will be easier if I talk to my daughter. Tell her to come see me. (Exit Trippet) I suppose I could find a better husband for Harriet than this Flem. For example, a bureaucrat or a down-and-out gentleman. But I prefer to pay off my own debts, not someone else's. Instead of which, I will exploit my daughter for all she is worth.
Harriet (entering) What do you want, Daddy?
Peacock Something you will like. I've decided to marry you. I've chosen a man for you who is extremely knowledgeable and will give you complete satisfaction.
Harriet Oh, heaven.
Trippet (entering) Ah!
Peacock He's totally a skilled practitioner.
Harriet How unhappy I am!
Peacock Great fortitude.
Trippet Now we're headed in different directions.
Peacock Listen! What's all this about, if you please? I haven't even told you his name--only of his worthiness, and you are making faces, both of you.
Trippet It's not his worth that displeases--it's his incompatible qualities.
Peacock What? What incompatible qualities?
Trippet Eh! Yes, sir. Those qualities are certainly found in an old dotard. You are painting a wretched portrait of a handsome young man.
Peacock But, I don't propose to marry my daughter to some old fuddy-duddy. It's Mr. Flem.
Harriet (surprised) Mr. Flem!
Trippet (same tone) Mr. Flem!
Peacock Yes, Mr. Flem. He's only fifty. Not old enough to be too virtuous.
Trippet A virtuous man is not for Miss Harriet, and I am going to prove it. In order to know the worth of a virtuous husband, is it not necessary for the wife to be dispirited herself? First, give her a young man of twenty, and not only will she be fine, she'll have a reasonable husband.
Peacock Nice reasoning. A smart daughter ought not to examine her future husband too closely. She ought to consider it a pleasure to find one