La Tontine | Page 2

never miss a chance to praise you. I speak of your miraculous cures--which, in truth, I've seen very few of.
Peacock Thus, we help one another.
Flem And, I tell all the patients who come to me about you, praise you to the skies, and belittle or disparage all other doctors without exception.
Peacock We do everything that a doctor and a pharmacist can do for each other. We work in perfect harmony. And, to further our friendship, I am going to tell you about a little investment I have made. I've taken out a ten thousand pound Tontine on him.
Flem Flem You? (puzzled) Why?
Peacock (supercilously) You know what a Tontine is, of course?
Flem Certainly, a Tontine is--a Tontine is--(helplessly) What the devil is a Tontine?
Peacock (smugly triumphant) It's a last man out club. The survivor gets all the money from all the policies.
Flem That's clever. So if you die--
Peacock (slightly exasperated) The policy's not on my life--but on that of a peasant of sixty who you wouldn't take to be forty. He's the father of one of my servants. He's in unusually good shape.
Flem Well?
Peacock I've taken out this policy on him and he's agreed to make me a beneficiary in return for free medical care.
Flem That's a clever idea.
Peacock A fellow like that, in my hands, will become immortal.
Flem Sooner than later.
Peacock Suppose that he only lives, say one hundred years.
Flem All right, one hundred years.
Peacock Isn't it certain, that in fifteen or twenty years, he'll be the only person in his group?
Flem In all likelihood.
Peacock Five years later, he'll be the only one. Therefore, I'll receive all the money for twenty years.
Flem The reasoning is clear. You've put your money to good use.
Peacock I'm delighted you approve my project. And you are a beneficiary, too. Because, I mean to marry you to my daughter.
Flem Sir, that's an honor that--
Peacock No compliments. And, for the dowry, I'm going to give you half the immense revenue from this insurance policy which you cannot fail to collect. And no, I'm going to show you our gold mine. You'll have to agree he's an excellent specimen.
(Exit Peacock into his house.)
Flem What a man Doctor Peacock is! Some people think he's a little crazy; but what's just happened would go a long way to disabuse them.
(Peacock returns from the house leading Dudley, a sturdy old peasant.)
Peacock Have a look at this young fellah! Ever see a better built body?
Flem Never.
Peacock What do you say to those eyes?
Flem Really bright.
Peacock How do you find his skin tone?
Flem Beautiful.
Peacock (to Dudley) Open your mouth. (to Flem) Look at those teeth. Perfect condition.
Flem He hasn't even got a cavity.
Peacock (to Dudley) Let's hear your voice.
Dudley Hem! Hem! Hem!
Peacock Like thunder! Constitution of an ox.
Flem Amazing.
Peacock And his legs--stout and firm.
Flem He's got all the signs of long life.
Peacock Look at that chest.
Flem Broad and strong. You've made quite a bargain, Doctor.
Peacock We're going to get rich, Mr. Flem.
Flem This peasant is a kind of Peruvian gold mine.
Peacock. Answer my questions, Dudley. When you went to bed last night, did it take you a long time to get to sleep?
Dudley Soon as my head hits the pillow--poof--I was asleep.
Flem Sleeps easily.
Dudley And I wake up at dawn.
Peacock And wakes with a ravenous appetite that I have difficulty to control.
Dudley (laughing) Oh, as to that, Doctor, you keep me well regulated.
Peacock How he roars! This roaring is no good for him. It comes from too many vessels in contact with the diaphragm. To remedy this defect we ought to give him a purge.
Dudley (crying) Another purge! Woe is me.
Peacock Preceded by a tonic composed of softening laxatives to prevent dry stools. Go quickly, Mr. Flem, and prepare some suppositories and bring them back here.
Flem Back in a flash.
(Exit Flem.)
Peacock As soon as you possibly can. This business is serious and requires diligence.
Dudley Can't you leave me without tormenting me, Doctor? For the last three days, ever since I put myself in your hands, you've already purged me twice. I want to have lunch and enjoy it.
Peacock Blood isn't necessary to preserve life. I know what I'm doing. I am more interested in keeping you alive than you yourself. Listen, my friend, as soon as I have bled you, I'll cook up a delicious lunch.
Dudley Ah, that would be nice.
Peacock I want to give you something appetizing. What do you like to eat?
Dudley Mutton chops.
Peacock Bah! What bad spirit put such a detestable thought in your head? It's too fatty and it clogs your bowels.
Dudley I seem to have heard that apothecaries like jelloes.
Peacock True. But, between you and me, they only sell them. They actually prefer stuffed dates.
Dudley Really--well, how about a nice roast beef?
Peacock Nothing is more indigestible.
Dudley Give me pork, then.
Peacock Too likely to have trichinosis. Dirty.
Dudley Too