La Tontine | Page 6

spare a single drug in my
apothecary.
Trippet Oh, miss--what a husband.
Harriet He's worthy of all the feeling I have for him.
Flem You flatter me, my angel.
Harriet No, sir. I swear, I'm not flattering you at all.
Flem For you, sweetheart, I promise to take the same care and the same
attention, I lavished on my first wife.

Harriet (low to Trippet) What an engaging prospect.
Flem Every morning and night I will give you some little delight.
Trippet That's bound to please her.
Flem Goodbye, beautiful star. I have to leave you to find Dudley. How
impatient I am to have you joined to me. When I even think of it, I am
happy.
Trippet You love the pleasures of imagination.
Flem Yes, but I like physical ones better.
(Exit Flem into Dudley's room.)
Trippet Old fool.
Harriet What a man, Trippet. I hate him more than I love Mr. Worthy.
Trippet You hate him so much already?
Harriet Rather than marry him, I am capable of going to the last
extremities.
Trippet Stay of that mind. It may be helpful if we can't manage things
in an honest way.
Harriet Shut up, you fool, my father is coming.
Trippet Let us continue to dissemble.
Peacock (entering) Well! Trippet, in what frame of mind is your
mistress?
Trippet In a mood to obey you. Oh, indeed, we've had a change of mind
since you left. We paid attention to your wise advice. Do you know, sir,
that we've learned to love old men?
Peacock Are you serious?
Trippet Ask Mr. Flem in what manner we received him. Presently, we
have eyes only for your old friend.
Peacock I don't know if you're speaking seriously, but the fact of the
matter is, an older man is better.
Trippet A thousand times better. I wish someone would give me the
choice between an old man and a young musketeer. It wouldn't take me
long to make up my mind, let me tell you.
Peacock In fact, an old boy tends to be very indulgent towards a young
wife.
Trippet Oh, yes. In place of a young man who is indulgent only
towards his friends. An old husband leaves us his wealth by dying and
a young one doesn't die until he's gobbled up our dowry.
Peacock Sometimes that girl is pretty smart. Now, Harriet, I'm

delighted you no longer dislike Mr. Flem--
Harriet (under her breath) Ah, I prefer death.
Peacock What did she say under her breath about dying?
Trippet She says she'd rather die than lose him. She's crazy about him.
Peacock Well, that's a passion that's arrived rather suddenly.
Trippet And a proper one, too.
Peacock But, it's a sort of madness, Trippet.
Trippet Assuredly. Now, if you were to forbid her to love him, she
would love him even more.
Peacock Who are these people coming here?
(Enter Jeremy and Worthy.)
Trippet They seem to be some kind of soldiers.
Jeremy (disguised as a colonel) I am looking for Dr. Peacock. They say
he looks rather large and bloated. Necessarily, it must be you.
Peacock I am Dr. Peacock.
Jeremy Ah, sir, let me embrace you. In the fashionable world you are
often spoken of. They say you are a clever doctor and your
prescriptions are written in elegant Latin.
Peacock Sir!
Jeremy Ah, ha! Who are these lovely ladies?
Peacock This is my daughter and this is her maid.
Jeremy To show you how much honor I feel for you and everything
that belongs to you, I insist on embracing them, too.
Harriet Just a minute, Mr. Officer.
Trippet Do you take us to be barmaids?
Peacock (low) These fellows are very impertinent.
Jeremy Have you more than one daughter?
Peacock No, sir.
Jeremy So much the worse. When they are made like these they can be
easily married off.
Peacock Well, God willing, I'm just about to marry her to an
apothecary friend of mine.
Jeremy Very good idea. Your patients certainly won't have to wait for
enemas and purges.
Peacock They will lack nothing.
Jeremy The more I look at your daughter, the more I find she looks like
you.

Peacock You're joking!
Jeremy Word of a soldier! She's you in miniature. Your eyes are the
same except for the coloring. Her little nose becomes large like yours:
oval face, square face; really the resemblances are astonishing in
certain families.
Peacock Come, sir, if you will. What are you getting at?
Jeremy That maid of yours is making eyes at me. Apparently, I was
made to be the sport of a wench. They always tease me.
Peacock Sir, for God's sake, tell me who you are.
Jeremy I am a colonel and you see me here with my major. I come to
consult you