La Tontine | Page 7

about an illness.
Harriet Goodbye, Mr. Colonel.
Jeremy Why are you running off, pretty ladies?
Trippet We don't want to hear the conversation of an officer who
consults a doctor.
(Exit Trippet and Harriet.)
Jeremy I want to tell you, sir--no boasting--I'm well thought of by the
combat troops.
Peacock I'm sure of it, and I congratulate you, sir.
Jeremy When there's something particularly tough to do, they always
call for me. Ask my major.
Worthy It's true.
Peacock I believe it.
Jeremy So, you see, I have all the honor and reputation I could wish.
Unfortunately, my body isn't made of iron.
Peacock I see.
Jeremy I came down with asthma in Germany while I was pursuing the
enemy.
Peacock The cause of your illness is worthy of--
Jeremy Here's how it happened to me. I reconnoitred an enemy
scouting party. I attacked them; they resisted. I redoubled my efforts.
They regrouped. Then, they fled. I followed them, but then I was
obliged to give up the pursuit. I couldn't get my breath. They said I
have swollen glands. So, since then, I've been asthmatic.
Peacock (aside) He's consulting me for his own amusement--but I will
mock him in his turn. (aloud) You wish a remedy that will soothe you?
Jeremy Exactly!

Peacock I have an infallible remedy. But, I have a scruple about curing
you.
Jeremy What's that?
Peacock I think you should keep your asthma and seek a disability
pension.
Jeremy I like your idea.
(Enter Dudley from the house and Flem after him.)
Dudley Murder! Help! Help! Fire!
Peacock Why all this noise?
Jeremy What do I see? There's a face I've seen before. Yes, my word, it
really is! It's Rosebud. Major, don't you recognize him?
Worthy It's Rosebud all right. The deserter.
Dudley Oh, yes, sir, it's me. I beg for pardon.
Jeremy Coward! Fortune has delivered you to justice.
Dudley Oh, Colonel, have pity on me.
Jeremy Say, what! God! Why did you disappear without leave?
Dudley The Captain was always beating me and there was nothing I
could do!
Jeremy For God's sake, abandon the battlefield because you were
beaten? To avenge yourself on your captain, couldn't you wait till after
the battle? Major, call Sergeant Slaughter and some soldiers to take this
deserter to the guardhouse.
(Exit Worthy to the street.)
Peacock You never told me, you bastard, that you were a deserter.
Dudley I never dared to tell you, sir.
Peacock What a mess this wretch has got me in.
(Worthy returns with several soldiers.)
Sergeant Slaughter What is it, sir?
Jeremy Arrest that man.
Peacock Sir, I beg you to pardon him.
Flem We both ask you.
Jeremy (folding his arms) It upsets me, gentlemen, not to be able to do
as you wish. But, when it comes to punishing infractions of military
rules, I am inexorable.
Peacock I will cure your asthma.
Jeremy I should look to my pension.
Flem I'll furnish you all the medicine you need for your old age.

Jeremy (after a struggle) No. No. (to soldiers) Hurry up, take this clown
without more discussion. You will see that this poor devil will die as
quickly in my hands as in yours.
(Enter Trippet and Harriet.)
Trippet What noise is this I hear? What brouhaha are you making here?
Dudley Intercede for me, Trippet. They want to hang me as a deserter.
Trippet Why, gentlemen, if you want to kill him, why not leave him in
the hands of Dr. Peacock?
Harriet Grant him his life, Mr. Colonel.
Jeremy No mercy.
Harriet Be a human being.
Trippet We beg you.
Jeremy Don't pester me any more. Guards! Seize him!
Peacock (aside) It's easy to see what the outcome will be with these
people. (aloud) Listen, Mr. Colonel, so as not to waste time talking, I
am going to count out a hundred gold pieces--or more.
Jeremy I am incorruptible.
Trippet What, sir, can you resist the sound of money and the prayers of
a beautiful lady?
Jeremy How can I resist? I am not a judge. Do you take me for a judge?
Trippet Dr. Peacock has a ten thousand pound insurance policy on the
life of this man.
Peacock That's right. Would you consider going shares on him?
Jeremy I don't know what to do.
Trippet If you wish to kill him, let us die with him.
Jeremy Well, then--let him run the gauntlet.
Trippet Listen, Mr. Colonel, I've got an idea how to fix everything.
Jeremy How? What way?
Trippet Marry my mistress.
Jeremy What, me! For God's sake, my dear friend, if you don't have a
better idea than that, Rosebud is going to hang.
Worthy Oh, it's too much. Colonel. You've go to give it up. Free him.
Jeremy That's easy for you