La Tontine | Page 4

you please? I haven't even told

you his name--only of his worthiness, and you are making faces, both
of you.
Trippet It's not his worth that displeases--it's his incompatible qualities.
Peacock What? What incompatible qualities?
Trippet Eh! Yes, sir. Those qualities are certainly found in an old
dotard. You are painting a wretched portrait of a handsome young man.
Peacock But, I don't propose to marry my daughter to some old
fuddy-duddy. It's Mr. Flem.
Harriet (surprised) Mr. Flem!
Trippet (same tone) Mr. Flem!
Peacock Yes, Mr. Flem. He's only fifty. Not old enough to be too
virtuous.
Trippet A virtuous man is not for Miss Harriet, and I am going to prove
it. In order to know the worth of a virtuous husband, is it not necessary
for the wife to be dispirited herself? First, give her a young man of
twenty, and not only will she be fine, she'll have a reasonable husband.
Peacock Nice reasoning. A smart daughter ought not to examine her
future husband too closely. She ought to consider it a pleasure to find
one agreeable to her father. Understand, Harriet? Now, on my return, I
expect to find you disposed to receive the hand of Mr. Flem. (exit)
Harriet Did you hear, Trippet? Is there a misfortune equal to mine? Isn't
it enough to lose hope of being with Worthy? Now, I must reconcile
myself to becoming the wife of this detestable Mr. Flem.
Trippet Flem is difficult to swallow--assuredly.
Harriet Worthy, dear Worthy, what will your despair be when you hear
this news?
Trippet Alas! I believe I can already see how unhappy he will be. What
a lively sadness moistens his eye. What tears mix with yours. Oh, I
loathe the old apothecary.
Harriet Trippet, your joking is unseasonable.
Trippet I'm not joking. I don't know any more than you what the future
will hold. But my point of view is different. You see despair and I see
cause for hope. I read the future in a way that is more agreeable than
you do.
Harriet You are deceiving yourself. I am already unhappy enough to be
married to Mr. Flem. Without doubt, I will gag of it. But I will fulfill
my destiny. The more I have to suffer, the more my character will

grow.
Trippet I know very well that character thrives on hardship--but
sometimes hardship corrupts a pure heart.
Harriet I hear a noise. Someone is coming.
Trippet Eh, Miss, it's Mr. Worthy.
Jeremy (entering with Worthy) It's he, himself, Trippet, and your
loveable Jeremy.
Trippet You come just in time, gentlemen. Help us avoid the storm that
threatens us. Dr. Peacock has promised his daughter to Mr. Flem.
Jeremy To that flat-nosed pharmacist with thick glasses who works in
his shop?
Trippet Exactly.
Worthy Is it true?
Trippet So true that the marriage may take place at any time.
Worthy Oh, Harriet! How can you let them drag you to the altar
without making the least effort in my behalf?
Harriet What do you expect me to do, Mr. Worthy?
Jeremy Ladies, you have only to follow us to our inn. Our horses are all
saddled. We will disappear with you both.
Trippet Good idea. We'll disappear. All's fair in love and war.
Worthy Jeremy, I beg you. Think up some plan to prevent this
detestable marriage.
Jeremy That's what I'm dreaming up. Use your imagination, too,
Trippet. You're good at this sort of thing.
Trippet All right. Let's stir up our imagination.
Jeremy Well. What have you come up with?
Trippet Wait a while.
Jeremy Dammit, I can't wait forever. I've already decided on the best
plan.
Trippet Let's hear it.
Jeremy Simply to make Flem and Doctor Peacock quarrel. Won't that
do it?
Trippet Without a doubt.
Worthy Sounds good to me.
Jeremy Right, eh? See how easily I solve the most difficult puzzles.
Trippet But, you haven't said how we'll do it.
Jeremy Right. How to do it? Listen, hasn't some rich person recently

died at their hands?
Trippet The Judge. Judge Glanville.
Jeremy That's our luck! All we have to do is to tell the Doctor that
Flem says it was the Doctor's prescription that killed the patient. At the
same time, we tell Mr. Flem that the Doctor is blaming everything on
the way the prescription was compounded.
Worthy I like that idea.
Trippet Won't work.
Harriet Why not?
Trippet I tell you, it won't work. Mr. Flem and Dr. Peacock are too
hand-in- glove. For twenty years they've been killing people--some of
the nicest people in this city--and they never quarrel over it. And you
think they're going to quarrel over a mere magistrate. Why, they've
done in lords and ladies.
Jeremy I've got another idea. This one is matchless. Is it true that
Doctor