La Tontine | Page 3

am more interested in keeping you alive than you yourself. Listen, my
friend, as soon as I have bled you, I'll cook up a delicious lunch.
Dudley Ah, that would be nice.
Peacock I want to give you something appetizing. What do you like to
eat?
Dudley Mutton chops.
Peacock Bah! What bad spirit put such a detestable thought in your
head? It's too fatty and it clogs your bowels.
Dudley I seem to have heard that apothecaries like jelloes.
Peacock True. But, between you and me, they only sell them. They
actually prefer stuffed dates.
Dudley Really--well, how about a nice roast beef?
Peacock Nothing is more indigestible.
Dudley Give me pork, then.
Peacock Too likely to have trichinosis. Dirty.
Dudley Too dirty, too sweet, too hard, too fatty. What the devil do you
want me to eat?
Peacock An ounce of fresh cheese?

Dudley Fresh cheese?
Peacock With two or three glasses of laxatives.
Dudley I am dead and buried
(Enter Trippet.)
Trippet Sir, there's a man down there who insists on speaking to you.
Peacock (going out) Let's see what he wants of us.
(Exit Peacock.)
Dudley Ah!
Trippet You sigh! What caused you to sigh like that, my poor Dudley?
Dudley They're going to bleed me again and give me an enema.
Trippet What's wrong with you?
Dudley They say I have extended diaphragm muscles, and I don't know
how many other maladies. Yet, I don't feel a bit sick.
Trippet That's terrible, my friend, that's terrible. Not to know what's
wrong.
Dudley Since I've been in this house, I've lost more blood than I did in
twenty years as a soldier.
Trippet I believe it.
Dudley Doctor Peacock intends to make me the last survivor of my
group--but if this keeps up, I won't last another month.
Trippet That's a chance you take.
Dudley Let's speak openly. Even if I survive the bleeding, I won't
survive the diet. I'll starve.
Trippet He practices austerity in his own eating habits.
Dudley Aie! How can I resist him. He thinks I'm weak and prescribes
for my maladies. He watches my food. He forbids me wine. Damn his
medicine and science. It would be better not to interfere with nature.
Trippet To forbid wine to a man of your type is the same as forbidding
women to a man of a different sort.
Dudley Trippet, my dear Trippet, are you capable of pity?
Trippet Without a doubt. What can I do for you?
Dudley You run the house. If you would give me a bottle of wine, I
will owe you my life.
Trippet Heaven preserve me from doing such a thing. If the doctor has
forbidden you wine then that proves it isn't good for you.
Dudley (kneeling) I beg you, on my knees.
Trippet Useless prayer.

Dudley At least give me a pork chop.
Trippet Not a slice!
Dudley Ah, if only I were young again. You'd give me the keys to the
wine cellar.
Trippet I wouldn't bet on that.
Peacock (entering and seeing Dudley on his knees to Trippet) Ah,
Dudley! How passionate you are! My God! That's no way to prepare
for an enema. Come along, return to your room and try to calm yourself
while waiting for the return of Mr. Flem. (Dudley leaves) That's funny,
really.
Trippet Do you have any idea what he wanted from me?
Peacock It's not really difficult to figure out. Dirty old gallows-bird.
Trippet He was trying to cajole me with his sweet talk and passionate
gestures--but I'm not that kind of woman.
Peacock Good, Trippet. Don't give in to human weakness.
Trippet I'd let him croak before he could have any.
Peacock Now wait a minute--if he shows any signs of croaking! You
must satisfy him, Trippet! Ahem! I intend that he live a long life.
Trippet We are talking at cross-purposes.
Peacock Oh, that! Trippet, they've come to get me to see a patient--a
feverish cantor who refuses to drink a purge--but before I leave, it will
be easier if I talk to my daughter. Tell her to come see me. (Exit Trippet)
I suppose I could find a better husband for Harriet than this Flem. For
example, a bureaucrat or a down-and-out gentleman. But I prefer to pay
off my own debts, not someone else's. Instead of which, I will exploit
my daughter for all she is worth.
Harriet (entering) What do you want, Daddy?
Peacock Something you will like. I've decided to marry you. I've
chosen a man for you who is extremely knowledgeable and will give
you complete satisfaction.
Harriet Oh, heaven.
Trippet (entering) Ah!
Peacock He's totally a skilled practitioner.
Harriet How unhappy I am!
Peacock Great fortitude.
Trippet Now we're headed in different directions.
Peacock Listen! What's all this about, if