La Tontine | Page 2

in seven or eight grains less than you prescribe.
That way I save the life of the patient and your reputation.
Peacock Consider the way we work together. I prescribe imaginary
medicines found only in your apothecary shop. I praise their
healthfulness, their propriety, and your skill in blending drugs.
Flem And for my part, I never miss a chance to praise you. I speak of
your miraculous cures--which, in truth, I've seen very few of.
Peacock Thus, we help one another.
Flem And, I tell all the patients who come to me about you, praise you
to the skies, and belittle or disparage all other doctors without
exception.
Peacock We do everything that a doctor and a pharmacist can do for
each other. We work in perfect harmony. And, to further our friendship,
I am going to tell you about a little investment I have made. I've taken
out a ten thousand pound Tontine on him.
Flem Flem You? (puzzled) Why?
Peacock (supercilously) You know what a Tontine is, of course?
Flem Certainly, a Tontine is--a Tontine is--(helplessly) What the devil
is a Tontine?
Peacock (smugly triumphant) It's a last man out club. The survivor gets
all the money from all the policies.
Flem That's clever. So if you die--
Peacock (slightly exasperated) The policy's not on my life--but on that
of a peasant of sixty who you wouldn't take to be forty. He's the father
of one of my servants. He's in unusually good shape.
Flem Well?
Peacock I've taken out this policy on him and he's agreed to make me a
beneficiary in return for free medical care.
Flem That's a clever idea.
Peacock A fellow like that, in my hands, will become immortal.
Flem Sooner than later.
Peacock Suppose that he only lives, say one hundred years.
Flem All right, one hundred years.
Peacock Isn't it certain, that in fifteen or twenty years, he'll be the only
person in his group?
Flem In all likelihood.

Peacock Five years later, he'll be the only one. Therefore, I'll receive all
the money for twenty years.
Flem The reasoning is clear. You've put your money to good use.
Peacock I'm delighted you approve my project. And you are a
beneficiary, too. Because, I mean to marry you to my daughter.
Flem Sir, that's an honor that--
Peacock No compliments. And, for the dowry, I'm going to give you
half the immense revenue from this insurance policy which you cannot
fail to collect. And no, I'm going to show you our gold mine. You'll
have to agree he's an excellent specimen.
(Exit Peacock into his house.)
Flem What a man Doctor Peacock is! Some people think he's a little
crazy; but what's just happened would go a long way to disabuse them.
(Peacock returns from the house leading Dudley, a sturdy old peasant.)
Peacock Have a look at this young fellah! Ever see a better built body?
Flem Never.
Peacock What do you say to those eyes?
Flem Really bright.
Peacock How do you find his skin tone?
Flem Beautiful.
Peacock (to Dudley) Open your mouth. (to Flem) Look at those teeth.
Perfect condition.
Flem He hasn't even got a cavity.
Peacock (to Dudley) Let's hear your voice.
Dudley Hem! Hem! Hem!
Peacock Like thunder! Constitution of an ox.
Flem Amazing.
Peacock And his legs--stout and firm.
Flem He's got all the signs of long life.
Peacock Look at that chest.
Flem Broad and strong. You've made quite a bargain, Doctor.
Peacock We're going to get rich, Mr. Flem.
Flem This peasant is a kind of Peruvian gold mine.
Peacock. Answer my questions, Dudley. When you went to bed last
night, did it take you a long time to get to sleep?
Dudley Soon as my head hits the pillow--poof--I was asleep.
Flem Sleeps easily.

Dudley And I wake up at dawn.
Peacock And wakes with a ravenous appetite that I have difficulty to
control.
Dudley (laughing) Oh, as to that, Doctor, you keep me well regulated.
Peacock How he roars! This roaring is no good for him. It comes from
too many vessels in contact with the diaphragm. To remedy this defect
we ought to give him a purge.
Dudley (crying) Another purge! Woe is me.
Peacock Preceded by a tonic composed of softening laxatives to
prevent dry stools. Go quickly, Mr. Flem, and prepare some
suppositories and bring them back here.
Flem Back in a flash.
(Exit Flem.)
Peacock As soon as you possibly can. This business is serious and
requires diligence.
Dudley Can't you leave me without tormenting me, Doctor? For the last
three days, ever since I put myself in your hands, you've already purged
me twice. I want to have lunch and enjoy it.
Peacock Blood isn't necessary to preserve life. I know what I'm doing. I