Knocking the Neighbors | Page 5

Apple Pie just
after the willing Farm Hand has taken a Hack at it.
Isabel hastened to make an Alliance with one of the oldest and toniest
Families west of Bucyrus and north of Evansville. She succeeded in
capturing an awful Swell Boy who wore an Outside Pocket on his
Dress Coat and made a grand Salad Dressing (merely rubbing the Bowl
with a Sprig of Garlic) and was otherwise qualified to maintain Social
Leadership all the way from the Round House up to the Hub and Spoke
Factory on the Hill.
Isabel's Husband built a House near the Country Club so as to get the
Automobile Trade, coming and going. Some of the Best People would
drop in and show the Ice-Box how to take a Joke.
Late at Night, when a Hush fell upon the $28,000 Bungalow, the Deep
Quiet signified that some had Passed Away and others had locked
Horns at Bridge--10 Cents a Point.
Even Lake Superior would go Dry if tapped at two different Points by
Drain Pipes of Sufficient Diameter.
After Bertrand returned from Europe with his Paintings and a Table
d'Hote Vocabulary, he and Brother-in-Law began to compare
Mortgages. By consulting the Road-Map they discovered that the
Primrose Path would lead them over a high Precipice into a Stone
Quarry, so they decided to take a Short Cut at Right Angles and head
for the Millionaire Colony.
The Day they started for New York City with a Coil of Strong Rope,
their purpose being to tie Kuhn, Loeb Co., Hand and Foot, it is said that
a long vertical Crack appeared in one of the most expensive
Monuments in Springvale Cemetery, as if some one underneath had
been trying to break out and Head Off something.
In preserving the form of a Narrative it becomes necessary to add that
Bertrand is now the obliging Night Clerk at a Hotel in Louisville, with

a Maximum Rate of $1.50 Single and a Shower Bath.
Brother-in-Law is Assistant Treasurer at a Temple of Amusement
which guarantees all the latest and best Films.
What became of the Bundle?
Listen.
When Pa locked up his Desk and started for the Pearly Gates, he left
behind in the office an humble Man Friday, who took care of the Books
and did the Collecting.
This Understrapper was a Model Citizen of 35 who wore a plain String
Tie, drank Malted Milk and was slightly troubled with Bronchitis.
When the Children began throwing it at the Birds, he bought himself a
Net and got Busy.
Any time Anybody wanted to plaster a Mortgage on a Desirable Corner
he was there with a Fountain Pen and a Notary.
It nearly broke his Back to carry all the Property, but he kept buying it
in and then hung over his Desk until all Hours of the Night figuring
how he could meet the Payments.
He wore the same Overcoat for nine years and his Wife never saw one
of those Hats with Bagoozulum and Bazoosh flounced all over it unless
she went down town and looked through a Window.
One Day a friend remonstrated with the Slave.
"Why are you wearing yourself to a Shadow and getting Old before
your Time?" he asked. "What shall it avail a Man if he is Principal
Depositor at a Bank when it comes to riding behind Horses that wear
Plumes?"
"I will tell you," replied the Slave. "I have a Boy named Bertrand and a
little Girl named Isabel and my Wife and I have decided that it is our

Duty to leave them Well-Fixed."
MORAL: Somebody must rake up the Leaves before the Young People
can have a successful Bon-Fire.
THE UNDECIDED BACHELORS
Once upon a Time two Mavericks lived together in a Cubby-Hole in a
European Hotel in a surging Metropolis.
They worked for a grinding Corporation, each pulling down a Stipend
that enabled him to indulge in Musical Comedies, Rotation Pool,
Turkish Cigarettes, Link Buttons and other Necessities of Life.
Often they would put their Feet on the Window Sill and talk about the
Future.
They said that every Man should have a Home of his Own. To the
Beanery thrice a Day and then back to the Box Stall was no Life for a
refined Caucasian.
Number One had a Theory that Two could get along as cheaply as One,
if Wife would practise Rigid Economy. Rents were lower in the
Suburbs. He looked up into the Pipe-Smoke and caught a Vision of a
Bungalow with Hollyhocks in front and a Hammock swinging in the
Breeze. Somehow he felt that he never would save any Money until he
took the High Jump and became a Family Man.
Number Two had a vague Yearning to experiment with Matrimony, but
he said he would wait until