Knocking the Neighbors | Page 6

he was Fixed. When he could open up the
little Bank-Book and see in plain sight the Ice-Box and the Talking
Machine and the Dining-Room Chairs, then, and not until then, would
he ask a Nice Girl to leave a Comfortable Home and take a Gamble.
Number One picked out a Stenographer who was ready to retire, on
account of her Spelling, and then he called on the License Clerk, a
Presbyterian Minister and the Weekly Payment shark.

He packed up his Banjo and the Military Brushes and left Number Two
marooned in the Rat Pit with the Oak Dresser and the Pictures of Anna
Held on the Wall.
Number Two said he would swim the River and join him in the
Promised Land as soon as he was Two Thousand to the Good.
Soon after the break-up of the Damon and Pythias Combination, one of
them was transferred to the Detroit Branch.
They did not meet again until ten years later.
One day the Benedict had little Marjorie and the Baby out at the Public
Zoo, so they could hear the Sea Lions bark, when Number Two came
along in a Sight-Seeing Automobile with other Delegates to the
National Conclave of the Knights of Neurasthenia.
It was a Happy Meeting between the two Old Friends.
Number One reported that his Little Girl could recite long Poems by
Heart and was about to take Music Lessons. He was living in a Flat, but
was about to move.
Number Two said he was Finer than Silk except that Hotel Cooking
had got to him at last and he had to stop in and see an Osteopath every
Morning.
"You are still Unmarried?" asked Number One.
"Yes," was the Reply. "I am still $2,230 Shy of what a Guy needs
before tackling such a risky Game. How are you making it?"
"I am Broke, thank you," replied Number One.
With the utmost Good Feeling re-established between them, they took
Marjorie and the Baby over to see the Sacred Cow and the other Dumb
Animals.
MORAL: Opportunity knocks once at Every Man's Door and then

keeps on Knocking.
THE WONDERFUL MEAL OF VITTLES
Once upon a Time a Rugged Character from the Middle West was in
New York City fixing up a Deal.
Although he wore overlapping Cuffs and a ready-made Tie, he had a
Rating, so a certain Promoter with an Office in Broad Street found it
advisable to make a Fuss over him.
The Promoter invited the prospective Mark to Luncheon and arranged
to have the same served in a snug Corner entirely screened by
Oleanders and Palms.
The Chef received private Instructions to throw himself, so he
personally supervised a dainty Menu.
When the Visitor entered the far-famed Establishment and found
himself entirely protected from the Vulgar Gaze he knew that at last he
was in the Headquarters for sure-enough Food.
"What is it?" he asked, gazing into the liquid Amber of the First
Course.
"Turtle Soup," replied the Host.
"We shoot the Blame Things just for Practice, out our Way," said the
Guest, "but if I went home and told my Wife I'd been eatin' Turtle she
wouldn't live with me."
So the Alsatian Nobleman hurried it away and substituted a Tid-Bit
with Cray-Fish as the principal Ornament in the Ensemble.
"It's a Craw-Dabber!" exclaimed the horrified Man from the Plains. "I
see Ten Million of them little Cusses every Spring, but I wouldn't touch
one with a Ten-Foot Pole."
To relieve the embarrassing Situation, the Host gave a Sign and the

Menials came running with the Third Course, a tempting array of Frog
Saddles.
"A Frog is a Reptile," said the Hoosier, backing away from the Table.
"I've heard they were Et, but I never believed it. I can go out any
Morning and gather a Car-Load."
The next Serving was Breast of Guinea Hen with Mushrooms under
Glass on the Side.
"On my Farm I've got a lot of these Things," said the Guest, poking at
the Guinea Hen timidly with his Fork. "We use them as Alarm Clocks,
but I'd just as soon eat a Turkey Buzzard."
"How about the Mushrooms?"
"Eight People in our Township were poisoned this Summer from
foolin' with that Truck. My pasture's speckled with 'em, but we never
pick 'em. Most of them are Toadstools. I tried a Real One once at a K.
P. Banquet. It tasted a good deal like a Rubber Glove."
The only remaining Item before Dessert was a tempting Salad of Water
Cress.
The Guest identified it as something that grew in the Crick below the
Spring and was commonly classified as Grass.
"Perhaps you had better order for Yourself," said the Host, as the lowly
Water Cress followed the others into the Discard.
The Guest motioned the Waiter