Knocking the Neighbors | Page 4

Branches.
They may have looked like Jimpson Weeds to the rest of the World but
to Pa and Ma they were A-1 Olive Branches.
Pa was a self made Proposition--Sole-Leather, Hand-Stitched and Four-
Ply, with Rivets around the Edge.
His Business Career had been one long Rassle with Adverse
Circumstances. Nothing was ever handed to him on a Sheffield Tray
with Parsley around it. The World owed him a Living, but in order to
collect it he had to conduct his Arguments with a piece of Lead-Pipe.
He was out for the Kids, if you know what that means. He was
collecting Hebrew Diplomas and he had a special Liking for the
light-colored Variety with a large C in the Corner.
He was going to provide for his Family, regardless of what happened to
other Families.
He had a little Office back of the Bank and made a Specialty of helping

those overtaken by Trouble. Any one in Financial Straits who went into
the Back Office to arrange for a Loan was expected to open
Negotiations by removing the Right Eye and laying it on the Table.
Pa had Mormon Whiskers and a Mackerel Eye and wore a Shawl
instead of an Overcoat and kept a little Bag of Peppermint Drops in his
Tail- Pocket and walked Pussy-Foot and took more Stock in Isaiah than
he did in the Sermon on the Mount.
The Above is merely a Rough Outline, but it will help you to
understand why his Wife preceded him to the Other Shore.
She was a Good Woman who never formed the Matinee Habit and up
to the Day of her Death she could put her Hand on her Heart and truly
say she had not wasted any Money on Jewelry or Cut Flowers.
But she could have written a large Book on how it feels to get up in the
Morning and stir a little Oatmeal.
Pa and Ma saved and skimped and held out and trimmed and
maneuvered for Years.
They had been brought up in the School of Hard Knocks, but they
wanted Bertrand and Isabel to go through Life on Ball Bearings.
Pa finally went to his Reward, according to the Local Paper, and then it
came out that Bertrand and Isabel had $400,000 each, which was more
than Pa had ever turned in to the Assessor.
These two Children had been sheltered from the Great World, although
never stinted in the matter of Sassafras Tea or the Privilege of reading
Books written by Josephus and others.
As soon as he came into his inheritance, Bertrand looked about in a
startled Manner and then bought himself a Plush Hat and began to
cultivate Pimples.
A few Days later he might have been seen riding in a Demonstrating

Car with a Salesman who wore Goggles and who told him that all the
Swell Guys were putting in Orders for the $6,200 Type with the
jeweled Mud- Guards. And next Morning the Sexton observed that
Father, by turning over in the Grave, had somewhat loosened the fresh
Earth.
Bertrand had Modern Plumbing put into the Old House and built a
Porte Cochere on the Side and moved a lot of Red Velvet Furniture into
the Parlor. Some said that the Moaning Sound heard at Night was only
the Wind in the Evergreens, but others allowed that it was the returned
Spirit of the Loan Agent checking over the Expenses.
Isabel stopped wearing Things that scratched her and began ordering
from a Catalogue, because the Local Dealers didn't carry anything but
Common Stuff. Also she began to Entertain, and the first time she
served Hot-House Asparagus in January, the House rocked on its
Foundations.
Bertrand soon knew the Difference between a Rickey and a Sour and
was trying to pretend to let on to be fond of the Smoky Taste in that
Imported Article which has done so much to mitigate the Horrors of
Golf.
In the meantime, Isabel had got so far along that she could tell by the
Feel whether the Goods were real or only Mercerized, and each Setting
Sun saw a new crimp in the Bank Account.
All Statisticians agree that a couple of Heirs can spend Much Money
and yet besides if they do not work at anything else. Especially when
every Pearl in the Rope represents a Chattel Mortgage and a fancy
Weskit is a stand-off for One Month's Rent of a good piece of Town
Property.
Bertrand married a tall Blonde who knew that Columbus discovered
America, and which kind of Massage Cream to buy, and let it go at
that.
They went abroad and began to Ritz themselves. Every time Madam

walked into one of those places marked "English Spoken while you
Wait"--Zing! The Letter of Credit resembled a piece of