John Bull | Page 8

no man kept a better house than
John, nor spent his money more generously. By plain and fair dealing
John had acquired some plums, and might have kept them, had it not
been for his unhappy lawsuit.
Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in many
particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would pinch his
belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by careless servants or
bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort of diversion, except
tricks of high German artists and legerdemain. No man exceeded Nic.
in these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a fair dealer, and in that
way acquired immense riches.
Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first
considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself
superior in address to most of his profession. He kept always good
clerks, he loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and
seldom lost his temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he
provided plentifully for his family, but he loved himself better than
them all. The neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which was
impossible, by such a mild-spirited woman as his wife was.

CHAPTER VI.
Of the various success of the Lawsuit.*
* The success of the war.
Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours
everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit would

not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he would be
in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did Hocus steer
his cause through all the meanders of the law and all the courts. No
skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth, John did not starve the
cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee counsel, hire witnesses, and
bribe juries. Lord Strutt was generally cast, never had one verdict in his
favour, and John was promised that the next, and the next, would be the
final determination; but, alas! that final determination and happy
conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to it the
further it went from him. New trials upon new points still arose, new
doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers seldom part with so
good a cause till they have got the oyster and their clients the shell.
John's ready money, book debts, bonds, mortgages, all went into the
lawyers' pockets. Then John began to borrow money upon Bank Stock
and East India Bonds. Now and then a farm went to pot. At last it was
thought a good expedient to set up Esquire South's title to prove the
will forged and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a
new field for the lawyers, and the cause grew more intricate than ever.
John grew madder and madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's
servants he tore off their clothes. Now and then you would see them
come home naked, without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old
Lewis Baboon, he was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many
as any other. His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs,
his servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now
lived upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much by
the matter but the men of law.

CHAPTER VII.
How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success that he was
going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer.
It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second
nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an honest
and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice,
and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself as able a
lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. He was
overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How

capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is
that business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature. It is
plain I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians mistake
my genius in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a counter? Bless me!
what immense estates these fellows raise by the law. Besides, it is the
profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure it is to be victorious in a
cause: to swagger at the bar. What a fool am I to drudge any more in
this woollen trade. For a lawyer I was born, and a lawyer I will be; one
is never too old to learn."* All this