John Bull | Page 9

while John had conned over such a
catalogue of hard words as were enough to conjure up the devil; these
he used to babble indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee
houses, so that his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as
a man that was cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and
price of broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions
upon the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias,
replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of trover
and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was matter of
jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of the tribe
encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a great genius
for law; that they questioned not but in time he might raise money
enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that if he studied he
would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord Chief Justice. As for
the advice of honest friends and neighbours John despised it; he looked
upon them as fellows of a low genius, poor grovelling mechanics. John
reckoned it more honour to have got one favourable verdict than to
have sold a bale of broadcloth. As for Nic. Frog, to say the truth, he
was more prudent; for though he followed his lawsuit closely he
neglected not his ordinary business, but was both in court and in his
shop at the proper hours.
* The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time.

CHAPTER VIII.
How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with his Wife;* and
what followed thereupon.
John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an
extravagant wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was

resolved to win over to his side. It is a true saying, that the last man of
the parish that knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It was observed by
all the neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with John's wife that
were not so much for his honour; but this was perceived by John a little
too late: she was a luxurious jade, loved splendid equipages, plays,
treats and balls, differing very much from the sober manners of her
ancestors, and by no means fit for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her
extravagancy (what was still more shameful) with John's own money.
Everybody said that Hocus had a month's mind to her; be that as it will,
it is matter of fact, that upon all occasions she ran out extravagantly on
the praise of Hocus. When John used to be finding fault with his bills,
she used to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one
that had taken so much pains in his lawsuit, and retrieved his family
from the oppression of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging sum of
John's readiest cash went towards building of Hocus's country house.**
This affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now so open, that all the
world was scandalised at it; John was not so clod-pated, but at last he
took the hint. The parson of the parish preaching one day with more
zeal than sense against adultery, Mrs. Bull told her husband that he was
a very uncivil fellow to use such coarse language before people of
condition;*** that Hocus was of the same mind, and that they would
join to have him turned out of his living for using personal reflections.
How do you mean, says John, by personal reflections? I hope in God,
wife, he did not reflect upon you? "No, thank God, my reputation is too
well established in the world to receive any hurt from such a
foul-mouthed scoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make
husbands tyrants, and wives slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands
left to their liberty? Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad
with a Platonic to see a play or a ball; she must never stir without her
husband; nor walk in Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband,
and I will stand by it, that without the innocent freedoms of life,
matrimony would be a most intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue
ought to be the result of her own reason, and not of her husband's
government: for my part, I would scorn a husband that would be
jealous, if he saw a fellow with me." All this while John's blood boiled
in his veins: he was now confirmed in all his suspicions; the hardest
names, were the best words that John gave her. Things went from better

to worse, till Mrs. Bull aimed a knife at John, though John threw a
bottle at her head very brutally indeed: and after this there