Hieroglyphic Tales | Page 4

and consult five or six thousand volumes
of modern history, an hundred or two dictionaries, and an abridgment
of geography in forty volumes in folio, and be back in an instant. Not
so fast, my life, said the emperor, you must not rise till you go to
execution; it is now one in the morning, and you have not begun your
story.
My great grandfather, continued the princess, was a Dutch merchant,
who passed many years in Japan--On what account? said the emperor.
He went thither to abjure his religion, said she, that he might get money
enough to return and defend it against Philip 2d. You are a pleasant
family, said the emperor; but though I love fables, I hate genealogies. I

know in all families, by their own account, there never was any thing
but good and great men from father to son; a sort of fiction that does
not at all amuse me. In my dominions there is no nobility but flattery.
Whoever flatters me best is created a great lord, and the titles I confer
are synonimous to their merits. There is Kiss-my-breech-Can, my
favourite; Adulation-Can, lord treasurer; Prerogative-Can, head of the
law; and Blasphemy-Can, high-priest. Whoever speaks truth, corrupts
his blood, and is ipso facto degraded. In Europe you allow a man to be
noble because one of his ancestors was a flatterer. But every thing
degenerates, the farther it is removed from its source. I will not hear a
word of any of your race before your father: what was he?
It was in the height of the contests about the bull unigenitus--I tell you,
interrupted the emperor, I will not be plagued with any more of those
people with Latin names: they were a parcel of coxcombs, and seem to
have infected you with their folly. I am sorry, replied Gronovia, that
your sublime highness is so little acquainted with the state of Europe,
as to take a papal ordinance for a person. Unigenitus is Latin for the
Jesuits--And who the devil are the Jesuits? said the giant. You explain
one nonsensical term by another, and wonder I am never the wiser. Sir,
said the princess, if you will permit me to give you a short account of
the troubles that have agitated Europe for these last two hundred years,
on the doctrines of grace, free-will, predestination, reprobation,
justification, &c. you will be more entertained, and will believe less,
than if I told your majesty a long story of fairies and goblins. You are
an eternal prater, said the emperor, and very self-sufficient; but talk
your fill, and upon what subject you like till tomorrow morning; but I
swear by the soul of the holy Jirigi, who rode to heaven on the tail of a
magpie, as soon as the clock strikes eight, you are a dead woman. Well,
who was the Jesuit Unigenitus?
The novel doctrines that had sprung up in Germany, said Gronovia,
made it necessary for the church to look about her. The disciples of
Loyola--Of whom? said the emperor, yawning--Ignatius Loyola, the
founder of the Jesuits, replied Gronovia, was--A writer of Roman
history, I suppose, interrupted the emperor: what the devil were the
Romans to you, that you trouble your head so much about them? The

empire of Rome, and the church of Rome, are two distinct things, said
the princess; and yet, as one may say, the one depends upon the other,
as the new testament does on the old. One destroyed the other, and yet
pretends a right to its inheritance. The temporalities of the
church--What's o'clock, said the emperor to the chief eunuch? it cannot
sure be far from eight--this woman has gossipped at least seven hours.
Do you hear, my tomorrow-night's wife shall be dumb--cut her tongue
out before you bring her to our bed. Madam, said the eunuch, his
sublime highness, whose erudition passes the lands of the sea, is too
well acquainted with all human sciences to require information. It is
therefore that his exalted wisdom prefers accounts of what never
happened, to any relation either in history or divinity--You lie, said the
emperor; when I exclude truth, I certainly do not mean to forbid
divinity--How many divinities have you in Europe, woman? The
council of Trent, replied Gronovia, has decided--the emperor began to
snore--I mean, continued Gronovia, that notwithstanding all father Paul
has asserted, cardinal Palavicini affirms that in the three first sessions
of that council--the emperor was now fast asleep, which the princess
and the chief eunuch perceiving, clapped several pillows upon his face,
and held them there till he expired. As soon as they were convinced he
was dead, the princess, putting on every mark of despair and concern,
issued to the divan, where she was immediately proclaimed empress.
The emperor, it