Dr. Lewis B. Turndevelts Big Book of Forewords | Page 2

of his afternoon snack)
Me: But as I was saying, prefaces are just really nasty and evil things.
And superfluous too: the commencement speech of Satan. The public is
over them, especially after all the mediocre ones that have come out the
past few years. In fact, I told my mother that there might have to be a
preface, and now she won't even read the book. Then she heard the
same rumor from a friend, and is thinking about not inviting me home
for Thanksgiving. My own mother, Ted! Do you see how a bad preface
also makes the rest of my book look bad? The people are turning on us
already.
Him: (still distracted and busy combining leftover packets of various

origin into a buffet of condiments) Well yeah, they'll do that. The book
is pretty bad; I think we can all agree on that. But you said the preface
was a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with the preface, it's the pitiful
excuse for a book that's the problem. The preface is fine.
Me: No, the book is the... What are you talking about? You just said
you haven't read the book. Put down your ketchup for five seconds and
listen to me! I haven't written the preface yet. I'm telling you this now
because I don't want to write it.
Him: But they're actually very small things, these prefaces. I mean it's
only going to be about this big (at which point he puts his thumb and
index finger together to indicate the approximate thickness of your
average preface). We can get a ghostwriter for it if that will make you
feel better.
Me: No no, it's not just that... Look, I had an idea that I think will help
the book sell much better. Since I have a feeling I'm going to lose the
preface war, think about this idea: We should shrink-wrap the book.
Him: Excuse me?
Me: Shrink-wrap the thing, you know, like a CD, or a loaf of fancy
bread. I think the cover actually looks pretty good, and if you can't tell
that there is a preface you'd think that the insides should be ok too. So
that's why I think we should shrink-wrap it, so that people don't know
what's going on until after it's too late.
Him: Well, it's just that books aren't normally wrapped in anything. I
mean, there are not too many people that will buy a book without being
able to look at it first.
Me: Surely there are some that are shrink-wrapped?
Him: There are some gift-books, the kind that come in a box. Those are
occasionally sealed up... Sometimes if there is a special promo item
with the book, they'll shrink them together... I think some comic books
may still come in those bags.... and most of your dirty magazines are in

wrappers nowadays, so that's probably...
Me: See, now we're getting somewhere! Perhaps we could sell these at
adult bookstores then? I mean it's kind of an adult item, since I don't
foresee a lot of kids wanting to pick up something like this.
Him: Well, I don't think that's really the point... And fortunately we
don't do a lot of business with those stores.
Me: Ted, we're trying to think outside of the box here. This is no time
to be limiting ourselves. I mean, come on, are you kidding me? They're
perfect! The convenient access from the interstate, the bright neon
lights... These places are practically begging to take over the book
market. All I'm saying is that we need to be developing core marketing
strategies that are inclusive and not exclusive. Adult bookstores. Just
live with the idea for a while, that's all I ask.
The conversation kept going like that, well on into the next day. We
stopped for dinner and the occasional bathroom break, but mainly we
spent our time weighing the pros and cons of shrink-wrapping the book,
and also of including a book preface. As you can see, I lost that battle,
and I'm more than a little bitter about it.
The second reason that I hate prefaces is that there are too many of
them out there in the world already. And what is a preface anyway? It
can't be anything of real importance, because if it was, wouldn't they -
you know, "they" - have just put it in the body of the book to begin
with? Why the special section for extraneous material? So it must be
stuck up there at the front for no good reason. Well, if it's just a little
extra padding to round out your book, does it really even matter what
the preface is or says? No. Heck no, even! For this reason I would like
to propose that from