Dr. Lewis B. Turndevelts Big Book of Forewords

Turndevelt's Big Book of
Forewords

Copyright (c) 2004 David R. Perry
ISBN 0-9753554-0-6
For more information about this title, or to order hard copies, please
visit www.davidrperry.com.
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******************** Dr. Lewis B. Turndevelt's Big Book of
Forewords ********************
Preface
Let me begin by saying that I have a personal and moral objection
against book introductions and prefaces. My reasons are numerous, but
I will be focusing on just two for the purpose of this unfortunate, but
publisher-mandated, preface.
The first is that the only reason they exist is to give would-be book
buyers a convenient way to check over a book's contents before making
a purchase. To the consumer, I'm sure that this seems like a good and
reasonable thing to expect. After all, if someone is going to spend their
hard-earned money on a stack of papers, they might like to have at least
a false sense that somewhere in the middle of that stack is something of

value and importance. Yes, I'm sure that the consumer does in fact feel
this way.
Now let me tell you how I, the book author, feel. I think it's stealing.
You stand around in the bookstore, killing time before you head off to
your "real" entertainment for the evening, consisting of yet another
regrettably awful Hollywood movie, and decide that you can at least
browse over the preface of a book, hoping to find out what it is about,
who this yahoo is that is writing it, and why can't they have
comfortable chairs in this store anyway? So you, or someone that looks
suspiciously like you, will read through the whole introduction, decide
that the book is too complicated - too much English - and put it back on
the shelf.
The reason I regard this as stealing is because it was my full intention
for you to not realize this until well after you had purchased the book,
taken it home, and cracked the spine of it so that the store wouldn't take
it back. This was a very well thought out, highly involved tactical
exercise on my part that was to all but eliminate the possibility of
having this book returned. Additionally, my specific instructions have
always been that the book should be constructed from the cheapest
materials available, using bargain-basement quality glue as a page
fastener; a fixative that would barely even hold up to the manhandling a
book receives going through the checkout. This is a book you were
meant to purchase and then be stuck with forever - "forever" actually
meaning "in a loose pile inside the store's bag." In fact, I recall my
initial conversation with my editor about how this book should be sold,
which went a little something like this:
Me: Ted, I think the preface is a bad idea. I mean, you've read the book.
It's sheer genius. Would you buy it if all you had a chance to read was a
hastily thrown together preface, instead of the glorious prose inside?
Him (Ted): Well, I mean it's difficult to say. I haven't read the book.
You were supposed to turn it in last week, what is taking so long? Plus,
I would like to think that as a book editor I might be a little pickier
about that kind of...

Me: Just trust me that it is fantastic. And no, Ted, you're not. You're no
pickier than the next person, who, unless someone else walks in here,
happens to be me. You're a man that buys x-brand kitty litter simply to
make a point. You've said so yourself. And to be honest, I'm not even
sure what that point is supposed to be.
Him: I just don't think that you have to pay those outrageous, name
brand prices just to get better clumping. When I scoop up those little
balls of dried urine, they are perfectly clumped. You've seen them, I
bring them in here all the time.
Me: Yes, we've all seen the clumps... But what I mean is that "picky" is
never a word I would use in the same sentence as your name. Unless, of
course, that sentence happened to be "I picky Teddy for my teamy."
Him: Cute, very cute. Are you done?
Me: "Does Teddy likey the drinkey? Maybe he likey to picky another?"
Him: Alright, I think I see where this is headed, and it's actually pretty
annoying...
Me: ...
Him: (squirting a leftover packet of ketchup into his mouth, since he is
not picky enough to care about the contents