Count Fathom, part 2 | Page 8

introduced Mrs. Minikin to them as to ladies
of character, and, I don't know how, sir, I have a sort of presentiment
that my wife has been imposed upon. Perhaps I may be mistaken, and
God grant I may. But there was a je ne sais quoi in their behaviour
to-day, which begins to alarm my suspicion. Sir, I have nothing but my
reputation to depend upon, and I hope you will excuse me, when I
earnestly beg to know what rank they maintain in life."
Fathom, without minding the consequence, told him, with a simper,
that he knew them to be very good-natured ladies, who devoted
themselves to the happiness of mankind. This explanation had no
sooner escaped from his lips, than the captain's face began to glow with

indignation, his eyes seemed bursting from their spheres, he swelled to
twice his natural dimensions, and, raising himself on his tiptoes,
pronounced, in a strain that emulated thunder, "Blood! sir, you seem to
make very light of the matter, but it is no joke to me, I'll assure you,
and Macleaver shall see that I am not to be affronted with impunity. Sir,
I shall take it as a singular favour if you will be the bearer of a billet to
him, which I shall write in three words; nay, sir, you must give me
leave to insist upon it, as you are the only gentleman of our mess whom
I can intrust with an affair of this nature."
Fathom, rather than run the risk of disobliging such a punctilious
warrior, after having in vain attempted to dissuade him from his
purpose, undertook to carry the challenge, which was immediately
penned in these words:
"SIR,--You have violated my honour in imposing upon Mrs. Minikin
your pretended cousins as ladies of virtue and reputation. I therefore
demand such satisfaction as a soldier ought to receive, and expect you
will adjust with my friend Count Fathom the terms upon which you
shall be met by the much injured GOLIAH MINIKIN."
This morceau being sealed and directed, was forthwith carried by our
adventurer to the lodgings of the major, who had by this time retired to
rest, but hearing the Count's voice, he got up and opened the door in
cuerpo, to the astonishment of Ferdinand, who had never before seen
such an Herculean figure. He made an apology for receiving the Count
in his birthday suit, to which he said he was reduced by the heat of his
constitution, though he might have assigned a more adequate cause, by
owning that his shirt was in the hands of his washerwoman; then
shrouding himself in a blanket, desired to know what had procured him
the honour of such an extraordinary visit. He read the letter with great
composure, like a man accustomed to such intercourse; then addressing
himself to the bearer, "I will be after diverting the gentleman," said he,
"in any manner he shall think proper; but, by Jesus, this is no place for
such amusements, because, as you well know, my dear Count, if both
should be killed by the chance of war, neither of us will be able to
escape, and after the breath is out of his body, he will make but a sorry

excuse to his family and friends. But that is no concern of mine, and
therefore I am ready to please him in his own way."
Fathom approved of his remarks, which he reinforced with sundry
considerations, to the same purpose, and begged the assistance of the
major's advice, in finding some expedient to terminate the affair
without bloodshed, that no troublesome consequences might ensue
either to him or to his antagonist, who, in spite of this overstraining
formality, seemed to be a person of worth and good-nature. "With all
my heart," said the generous Hibernian, "I have a great regard for the
little man, and my own character is not to seek at this time of day. I
have served a long apprenticeship to fighting, as this same carcase can
testify, and if he compels me to run him through the body, by my shoul,
I shall do it in a friendly manner."
So saying, he threw aside the blanket, and displayed scars and seams
innumerable upon his body, which appeared like an old patched
leathern doublet. "I remember," proceeded this champion, "when I was
a slave at Algiers, Murphy Macmorris and I happened to have some
difference in the bagnio, upon which he bade me turn out. 'Arra, for
what?' said I; 'here are no weapons that a gentleman can use, and you
would not be such a negro as to box like an English carman.' After he
had puzzled himself for some time, he proposed that we should retire
into a corner, and funk one