Cartaphilus - HOW to Meet Women - The Shy Mans Guide to Relationships | Page 4

do believe I am a glowworm.
Winston Churchill
Only the bridge of self-acceptance and understanding traverses the abyss isolating us from our fellow
humans. We shy people must of necessity become our own rescuers, teachers and saviors. Yet, if the
tools for self-transformation exist, they are difficult to use. Social skills can be learned, as a rule slowly
and sometimes painfully, but loneliness is a powerful motivator.
...less than ten percent of communication comes from the words that are said. The majority of the
message comes from nonverbal cues, like gestures, facial expressions and tone-of-voice. Individuals
who do not understand or use nonverbal communication appropriately are at a disadvantage in social
situations.
Marshall Duke
The useful social skills are but subtle elaborations of what we already know and do, yet of a somewhat
higher order. Obvious examples include listening, picking up on nonverbal cues, and having a sense of

6 the other individual's personal space. Then on to group interactions, such as speaking for an audience
(notably the not-so-lowly art of telling jokes
). Finally, the high arts - being able to start a conversation
with a total stranger, knowing when to wait and when to act (timing is everything), effectively being
able to express yourself in person or in writing, and dancing
.

The Mythical Man Shortage
If there are too few men to go around, why then haven't hordes of partner-hungry women been
camping on your doorstep? Maybe they don't know your address, but more likely it would seem to be
a matter of "quality", not quantity. Most women will not settle for just any man, but insist on one who
meets their personal minimum standards, and those standards are all too often strongly influenced by
pop culture ideals of physical appearance, masculinity, and success. Women mainly seek men who
have proven themselves by amassing money, possessions, and... the admiration of other women. Shy,
lonely men need not apply.
How, then, do you join the ranks of these "desirable" men?
• Competence in social situations.
• Experience.
• Fearlessness, or at least strong nerves.
• Confidence, gained through...
self-knowledge, and a consistent track record of accomplishment.


Developing Self-confidence
"...only the weak are sent on paths without perils."
Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game

Self-confidence flows from the courage to make fundamental choices - choosing to accept risk, to
confront failure, and to learn from it. It means testing yourself against adversity, and ultimately
defining yourself by your resistance to despair, your defiance of defeat, your endurance in the face of
suffering. It means surviving rejection, embarrassment, even total humiliation - finding meaning in
them, and coming back stronger than ever. It means building a hard inner core of strength on the
network of scar tissue left over from old injuries. It means getting up when you fall and bouncing back
from defeat. It means accepting and respecting yourself as you are, with all your flaws and warts.
Self-confidence grows as you discover your strengths and learn to accept your weaknesses. It is not a
quality that can be ripped out of the context of personal growth, that can be distilled to a simple
formula, that can be indoctrinated by repetition of mantras, that can be applied as a veneer to cover
up inner doubts and fears. It radiates from within, as a consequence of clarity of purpose and sheer
force of will.
Unlike most people, those who sleepwalk their way through life, the ones to whom self-confidence was
spoon-fed as part of the socialization process, you stand out as "weak" and unsure of yourself. Of
course, those others are self-confident, they belong to a family, a group, a social circle that nurtures

7 and reinforces their belief in themselves. But it is not rooted deeply within their own self, and there is
no steel beneath the surface. Their character lacks the fire-hardening of adversity, and is all the more
vulnerable and fragile for it. It requires only one sharp blow, one misfortune or lurch to disrupt their
'sense of place', their self-confidence, their fundamental identity.


Exercise #1
Desensitizing yourself to failure.

Recall, and record in minute detail the worst and most humbling failure you can remember. [Dedicate
a special section of your journal to this painful task]. Construct a 'timeline' of the incident, and
systematically dissect each of your actions and the resulting behavior of the others present. How does
one follow from the other? What could you have done differently?
Finally, take pride that you had the resolve to continue living and relating to the persons who
witnessed your humiliating pratfall. For all the things you did wrong, there were isolated moments of
defiant resistance that ennobled and