Cartaphilus - HOW to Meet Women - The Shy Mans Guide to Relationships | Page 3

Cage

The following chapters are not, in any sense, intended to be a “paint-by-the-numbers” kit (rigid
adherence to any recipe is generally doomed to failure).
Rather, think of them as an all-purpose toolkit, a sort of Swiss army knife, a rough navigation guide.
Let these writings serve as an inspiration
on your voyage of development and self-discovery, in your
apprenticeship to become a fully realized human being. Even if these teachings do not bring you a
girlfriend, and they may not, at the very least, you will emerge from this with a better understanding
of social interactions and of... yourself.

"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came, he pushed them...
and they flew.
Guillaume Appolinaire

Chapter 1
Healing
They robbed you of your birthright. Family and peer group ripped from you at an early age the
innocent social adeptness of the young. The bullying and being "cut down to size" that passes for
socialization scarred your psyche. The fearful result is that you are not just shy, but painfully shy.
There is a place for shy, introspective persons. It is not a comfortable one. These are the creative ones,
the ones who develop their minds, the ones who think while others act. They are the ones taken for
granted, their worth unrecognized. They are the ones who cannot get dates...

"The consequences of shyness are deeply troubling. People for whom
shyness is an ongoing problem don't take advantage of social situations,
date less, are less expressive verbally and nonverbally, and show less
interest in other people..."
"The Encyclopedia of Mental Health", Henderson and Zimbardo

5 Remember the time you could not think of anything to say to the woman sitting across from you in
that little cafe. There was a painful lump in your throat
, and you stammered when she looked your
way. She smiled at you sympathetically, but still, there was no way to reach out to her, to touch her...
and you lost yet another chance to make contact.
Remember that party, when you were standing off to one side by yourself, and the other people were
stealing brief glances at you over their shoulder, laughing quietly, giggling, some of them. You
approached several of the women, but quickly they found excuses to move away. Finally you walked
out into the bitter cold night air, only then to realize that your fly was open.
Remember leaving that one dance, and ahead of you, walking home, was the woman you had danced
with for hours. She met your eyes, momentarily, nearly smiled (you thought), but kept walking. You
could not quite summon up the courage to approach her, to ask if you could at least accompany her to
the nearest subway stop. She walked away into the night and out of your life.
...and all the various things that lock our wrists to the past.
Charles Wright

You Can't Get There From Here, Can You?
A gaping chasm splits off the landscape of the shy and lonely from the rest of humanity. This is the
great divide between losers and winners, so we are told. What radical transformation, then, would it
require to reshape a shy person into an extroverted, socially adept one? Where would you find the
kind savior to rescue you from the prison of your loneliness
and tutor you in the social skills needed to
escape from the four walls of your own head? Where can you learn to care for, to love another
?
Personality change is virtually impossible under ordinary circumstances. Likewise, saviors are in
ridiculously short supply (and not so easy to recognize when they are found). What shapes your fate is
your own perceptions, your old ingrained habits of fear and failure. Others sense how you feel about
yourself and mirror your self-image back at you. Face yourself, know thyself, and take your life into
your own hands. Become a stronger person and depend no more on fortuitous happenstance, on
wishing and hoping.
We are all worms. But I