Bill Nyes Comic History of England | Page 2

and silly and mawkish sentiment, reside in a foreign country, or be so
situated that he may put on a false moustache and get away as soon as the advance copies
have been sent to the printers.
The writer of these pages, though of British descent, will, in what he may say, guard
carefully against permitting that fact to swerve him for one swift moment from the right.
England even before Christ, as now, was a sort of money centre, and thither came the
Phoenicians and the Carthaginians for their tin.
[Illustration: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN IN BRITAIN.]
[Illustration: CAESAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL.]
These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from that, they had no
good points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with straw. They had no currency and no
ventilation,--no drafts, in other words. Their boats were made of wicker-work plastered
with clay. Their swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, and after a brief skirmish,
the entire army had to fall back and straighten its blades.
They also had short spears made with a rawhide string attached, so that the deadly
weapon could be jerked back again. To spear an enemy with one of these harpoons, and
then, after playing him for half an hour or so, to land him and finish him up with a tin
sword, constituted one of the most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people.
[Illustration: CAESAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS.]
Caesar first came to Great Britain on account of a bilious attack. On the way across the
channel a violent storm came up. The great emperor and pantata believed he was
drowning, so that in an instant's time everything throughout his whole lifetime recurred to
him as he went down,--especially his breakfast.
Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, and much improved in health, he returned
to Rome.
Agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people, and where now the glorious fields
of splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be seen interspersed with every kind of
domestic and imported fertilizer in cunning little hillocks just bursting forth into
fragrance by the roadside, then the vast island was a quaking swamp or covered by
impervious forests of gigantic trees, up which with coarse and shameless glee would
scamper the nobility.
(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and then drop as the plot
develops.--AUTHOR.)
Caesar later on made more invasions: one of them for the purpose of returning his team
and flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed religiously on a former trip. (He had
also bought his team of the Druid.)

The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, chiefs of police, plumbers, and justices of
the peace.
[Illustration: PLOUGHING 51 B.C.]
They practically ran the place, and no one could be a Druid who could not pass a civil
service examination.
[Illustration: DRUID SACRIFICES.]
They believed in human sacrifice, and often of a bright spring morning could have been
seen going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who disagreed with them on some
religious point or other.
The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the winter. They
worshipped almost everything that had been left out overnight, and their motto was,
"Never do anything unless you feel like it very much indeed."
Caesar was a broad man from a religious point of view, and favored bringing the Druids
before the grand jury. For uttering such sentiments as these the Druids declared his life to
be forfeit, and set one of their number to settle also with him after morning services the
question as to the matter of immersion and sound money.
Religious questions were even then as hotly discussed as in later times, and Caesar could
not enjoy society very much for five or six days.
[Illustration: MONUMENT OF AGRICULTURE, OR ANCIENT SCARECROW.]
At Stonehenge there are still relics of a stone temple which the Druids used as a place of
idolatrous worship and assassination. On Giblet Day people came for many miles to see
the exercises and carry home a few cutlets of intimate friends.
After this Rome sent over various great Federal appointees to soften and refine the people.
Among them came General Agricola with a new kind of seed-corn and kindness in his
heart.
[Illustration: AGRICOLA ENCOURAGES AGRICULTURE.]
He taught the barefooted Briton to go out to the pump every evening and bathe his
chapped and soil-kissed feet and wipe them on the grass before retiring, thus introducing
one of the refinements of Rome in this cold and barbaric clime.
Along about the beginning of the Christian "Erie," says an elderly Englishman, the Queen
Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans who carried on there in England just as they
had been in the habit