Basomas | Page 7

a stick at and the next minute I am the Leper of Rheims.�

Rosie looked at me and put her armey around me. �Would you like to sit on my knee for a bit? You like that.�

I just looked at her.

five minutes later

Jools, Mabs, Hons and Ellen arrived.

The meeting began with the official passing around of the midget gems. Then we discussed how to make Masimo stop having the hump and start having the Horn.

twenty minutes later

This is our cunning plan.

I have to be nice.

That is it.

I have to be nicey girl on legs for as long as it takes to make Masimo luuurve me again.

The ace gang is going to help by only saying really, really nice things about me.

There was a bit of a verging on the �mentioning the thing that I will not be mentioning this side of the grave� when Ellen said, �Masimo, I mean, he, like�well, he got the hump when�er�the twisting, or maybe Dave the Laugh or something�erm.�

Jools said, �Ah yes, he didn�t like you dancing like a fool with Dave the Laugh, did he?�

Mabs said, �It�s his hot Pizza-a-gogo blood. They get vair jealous.�

Rosie said, �You might have to eschew Dave the Laugh with a firm hand for a bit.�

OK, well, I can knock it on the head laaarfwise with the Hornmeister.

It�s a shame.

But ho hum, pig�s bum.

two minutes later

But what if I don�t even get the chance to be nicey-nice girl?

What if Masimo doesn�t get in touch with me again?

I fear the tensionosity will drive me to not only having a complete nervy b., but I might also go ballisticisimus.

2:45 p.m.

The lads are arriving, getting their boots on and shouting WUBBISH. They don�t seem to be able to just say �Hello� to one another. It�s all �Aaaaaaah, you�re shit!� and �On my head� and �Hello, you complete tosser.� Quite, quite weird. No sign of Dave the Laugh�perhaps he�s not playing today. Just as well really.

2:50 p.m.

Sven has put two footballs down the front of his shirt and is swaying around like a girl. A girl nearly two meters tall, with massive hairy legs and the beginnings of a goatee.

Rosie said, �I think I�m on the turn. Svenetta is bringing out my inner lesbian.�

Oh good, everyone has gone bonkers. Excellent.

I said, �Rosie, will you promise not to mention your inner lezzie if Masimo turns up?�

Rosie winked at me. �I�ll try, but don�t you start waggling your nungas about, you little minx.�

Do you see what I mean? This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

five minutes later

Dom, Edward, Rollo, Declan, Sven and two of the Stiff Dylans are all running around �limbering up.� Meanwhile, it�s Cosmetic Headquarters behind our tree. In principle, I think you should be loved for yourself and your soul shines through even if you haven�t got mascara on. I know this is what Baby Jesus says and he is renowned for never having worn mascara. So, in principle, I think you should just be yourself, but in practice, I am applying just a tad more mascara.

Speaking of which, Ellen is in such a ditherama about seeing Declan that she has actually got some mascara on her teeth. How?

two minutes later

Jas �n� Tom have turned up.

Oh yes. Here comes Miss Prissy Knickers herself. And her boyfriend, Hunky. She caught sight of us and shouted over, �Hi, Rosie, hi, Ellen, Mabs, Jools, Hons��

She deliberately didn�t say hello to me. How childish.

Two could play at that game.

I shouted out, �Hi, Hunky!� Tom waved at me and went off.

Then I noticed that Jas was not alone. She had brought two of her stuffed owls with her. And they had got little football hats and scarves on.

How pathetico.

I shouted, �Hello, owls!�

Hahahaha. I had said hello to her owls and she couldn�t stop me.

Yessssss! One�nil to me!!!!!!

nearly kickoff

The other team was from St. Pat�s and quite fit boys as it happens. If you like quite fit boys.

I was just having a midget gem to calm me down and my back was to the road when I heard a scooter approaching. It might be the Luuurve God. I got immediate knee tremblers and jelloid knickers. But I must not expose my jelloid knickers�I must exude sophisticosity. How do you do sophisticosity without turning round?

Perhaps if I tightened my bum-oley muscles that might make for a better profile rearwise?

No, that might look like I needed a poo.

I�ll just not turn round and leave it at that.

I heard the scooter come to a halt and I said