Basomas | Page 2

saying, �Why can�t you tidy your room like a normal person. I found two pizzas and a dog bone in there that must have been there for weeks. A decent person would tidy their room. An ordinary person�blah blahh chunter chunter.�

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clown car� Officially called a Reliant Robin three-wheeler, but clearly a car built for clowns by some absolute loser called Robin. The Reliant bit comes from being able to rely on Robin being a prat. I wouldn�t be surprised if Robin also invented nostril-hair cutters.

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clud� This is short for �cloud.� Lots of really long boring poems and so on can be made much snappier by abbreviating words. So Wordsworth�s poem called �Daffodils� (or �Daffs�) has the immortal line �I wandered lonely as a clud.� DittoRom and Jul. OrHam. OrMerc of Ven.

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darkroom� Oh stop being so lazy�you know what a darkroom is. It�s a room. And it�s dark. Leave it. Leave the darkroom.

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div� Short for �dithering prat,� i.e., Jas.

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DIY� Quite literally �Do It Yourself�! Rude when you think about it. Instead of getting someone competent to do things around the house (you know, like a trained electrician or a builder or a plumber), some vatis choose to do DIY. Always with disastrous results. For example, my bedroom ceiling has footprints in it because my vati decided he would go up on the roof and replace a few tiles. Hopeless.

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�p�e� A form of sword fighting. All sword fighting is hilarious, but�p�e takes the biscuit comedywise because: a) there is a comedy opportunity for misunderstanding that someone is not actually saying �a pee,� and b) when you fight with an�p�e, it is a sword with a bit on the end so that you cannot hurt anyone. Which has to be one of the most pointless things around. (Do you see? Do you see what I did there? �Pointless.� Do you see? Oh, I am so vair vair tired.)

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fives court� This is a typical Stalag 14 idea. It�s minus forty-five degrees outside so what should we do to entertain the schoolgirls? Let them stay inside in the cozy warmth and read? No, let�s build a concrete wall outside with a red line at waist height and let�s make them go and hit a hard ball at the red line with their little freezing hands. What larks!

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form� A form is what we call class at English secondary schools. It is probably a Latin expression. Probably from the Latin �formus ignoramus.�

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fringe� Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them �bangs,� but this is so ridiculously strange that it�s not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with a fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it (apparently). One of them had a German girlfriend and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl, and the rest is history.

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f.t.� I refer you to the famous �losing it� scale:
1. minor tizz
2. complete tizz and to-do
3. strop
4. a visit to Strop Central
5. f.t. (funny turn)
6. spaz attack
7. complete ditherspaz
8. nervy b. (nervous breakdown)
9. complete nervy b.
10. ballisticisimus

gadzooks� An expression of surprise. Like for instance, �Cor, love a duck!� Which doesn�t mean you love ducks or want to marry one. For the swotty knickers among you, �gad� probably meant �God� in olde English and �zooks� of course means�Oh, look, just leave me alone, OK?

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GBH� Grievous Bodily Harm.

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geoggers� Geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).

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gob� Gob is an attractive term for someone�s mouth. For example, if you saw Mark (from up the road who has the biggest mouth known to womankind), you could yell politely, �Good Lord, Mark, don�t open your gob, otherwise people may think you are a basking whale in trousers and throw a mackerel at you!� Or something else full of hilariosity.

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goosegog� Gooseberry. I know you are looking all quizzical now. OK. If there are two people and they want to snog and you keep hanging about saying, �Do you fancy some chewing gum?� or �Have you seen my interesting new socks?� you are a gooseberry. Or for short, a goosegog, i.e., someone who nobody wants around.

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gusset� Do you really not know what a gusset is? I do.

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Horn� When you �have the Horn,� it�s the same as �having the big red bottom.�

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on my jacksie� It means �on my own.� All aloney. On my owney. It is of course Olde Englishe and was formed because �jacksie� rhymes with�erm�alonesie.

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Jammy Dodger� Biscuit with jam in it. Very nutritious(ish).

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jimjams� Pajamas. Also pygmies