Basomas | Page 3

or jammies.

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knickers� Americans (wrongly) call them panties. Knickers are a particular type of �panty��huge and all encompassing. In the olden days (i.e., when Dad was born) all the ladies wore massive knickers that came to their knees. Many, many amusing songs were made up about knicker elastic breaking. This is because, as Slim, our headmistress, points out to anybody interested (i.e., no one), �In the old days people knew how to enjoy themselves with simple pleasures.� Well, I have news for her. We modern people enjoy ourselves with knicker stories too. We often laugh as we imagine how many homeless people she could house in hers.

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Lecoq� Hahahahahahahaha. Do you see why this is so funny??? For the same reason that the Koch family are so funny. Lecoq is, alarmingly, the name of a mime school inle gay Paree. People go there to learn how to look as though they are trapped behind a glass wall, etc. No one knows why.

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Leper of Rheims� Oh come on, you must know who the Leper of Rheims is. Oh blimey. Well. He was living in Rheims�erm�in ancienty times and he had dodgy skin. And as we all know the Rheims-type people (the Rheimsonians) can�t abide a poor complexion so they ignored him. The end.

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loo� Lavatory. In America (land of the free and criminally insane) they say �restroom,� which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.

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Merc-lurk-io� a.k.a. Mercutio. He is Rom�s friend inRom and Jul and supposed to be the �comedy� element in the tragedy. But as far as I can see, he just hangs around in a lurking way. Hence my vair vairamusant nickname. Occasionally, he stops lurking to fight and complain. Much like my vati.

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midget gem� Little sweets made out of hard jelly stuff in different flavors. Jas loves them A LOT. She secretes them about her person, I suspect, often in her panties, so I never like to accept one from her on hygiene and lesbian grounds.

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nippy noodles� Instead of saying �Good heavens, it�s quite cold this morning,� you say �Cor, nippy noodles!!� English is an exciting and growing language. It is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.

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nub� The heart of the matter. You can also say gist and thrust. This is from the name for the center of a wheel where the spokes come out. Or do I mean hub? Who cares. I feel a dance coming on.

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nuddy-pants� Quite literally nude-colored pants, and you know what nude-colored pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants, i.e., you are naked.

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nunga-nungas� Basoomas. Girls� breasty business. Ellen�s brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold of a girl�s breast and pull it out and then let it go, it goesnunga-nunga-nunga. As I have said many, many times with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong with boys.

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Och Aye land� Scotland. Land of the Braves. Or is that Indiana? I don�t know, and I know I should because we are, after all, all human beings under our skins. But I still don�t care.

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Pantalitzer doll� A terrifying Czech-made doll that sadistic parents (my vati) buy for their children, presumably to teach them early on about the horror of life.

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Pizza-a-gogo land� Masimoland. Land of wine, sun, olives and vair vair groovy Luuurve Gods. Italy. The only bad point about Pizza-a-gogo land is their football players are so vain that if it rains, they all run off the pitch so that their hair doesn�t get ruined.

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red bottomosity� Having the big red bottom. This is vair vair interestingvis-�-vis nature. When a lady baboon is �in the mood� for luuurve, she displays her big red bottom to the male baboon. (Apparently he wouldn�t have a clue otherwise, but that is boys for you!!) Anyway, if you hear the call of the Horn, you are said to be displaying red bottomosity.

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rucky� A rucksack. Like a little kangaroo pouch you wear on your back to put things in. Backpack.

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sailor�s hornpipe� As I have pointed out many, many times, England is a proud seafaring nation and our sailors on the whole are jolly good chaps, etc. However, when they were first invented in the olden days, they had a few too many rums and made up this odd dance called a �hornpipe,� which largely consists of hopping from foot to foot with your arms crossed. Well, you did ask.

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Scheissenhausen� Quite literally (if you happen to be a lederhosen-type person) a house that you poo in (scheissis �poo� andhaus is �house�). Poo house.