A Political Romance | Page 4

being fairly heard, it was plain, That Trim, in every Part of this Affair, had behaved very ill;--and one Thing, which was never expected to be known of him, happening in the Course of this Debate to come out against him; namely, That he had gone and told the Parson, before he had ever set Foot in his Parish, That John his Parish- Clerk,--his Church-Wardens, and some of the Heads of the Parish, were a Parcel of Scoundrels.--Upon the Upshot, Trim was kick'd out of Doors; and told, at his Peril, never to come there again.
At first Trim huff'd and bounced most terribly;--swore he would get a Warrant;--then nothing would serve him but he would call a Bye-Law, and tell the whole Parish how the Parson had misused him;--but cooling of that, as fearing the Parson might possibly bind him over to his good Behaviour, and, for aught he knew, might send him to the House of Correction,--he let the Parson alone; and, to revenge himself, falls foul upon his Clerk, who had no more to do in the Quarrel than you or I;--rips up the Promise of the old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches, and raises an Uproar in the Town about it, notwithstanding it had slept ten Years.--But all this, you must know, is look'd upon in no other Light, but as an artful Stroke of Generalship in Trim, to raise a Dust, and cover himself under the disgraceful Chastisement he has undergone.
If your Curiosity is not yet satisfied,--I will now proceed to relate the Battle of the Breeches, in the same exact Manner I have done that of the Watch-Coat.
Be it known then, that, about ten Years ago, when John was appointed Parish-Clerk of this Church, this said Master Trim took no small Pains to get into John's good Graces in order, as it afterwards appeared, to coax a Promise out of him of a Pair of Breeches, which John had then by him, of black Plush, not much the worse for wearing;--Trim only begging for God's Sake to have them bestowed upon him when John should think fit to cast them.
Trim was one of those kind of Men who loved a Bit of Finery in his Heart, and would rather have a tatter'd Rag of a Better Body's, than the best plain whole Thing his Wife could spin him.
John, who was naturally unsuspicious, made no more Difficulty of promising the Breeches, than the Parson had done in promising the Great Coat; and, indeed, with something less Reserve,--because the Breeches were John's own, and he could give them, without Wrong, to whom he thought fit.
It happened, I was going to say unluckily, but, I should rather say, most luckily, for Trim, for he was the only Gainer by it;--that a Quarrel, about some six or eight Weeks after this, broke out between the late Parson of the Parish and John the Clerk. Somebody (and it was thought to be Nobody but Trim) had put it into the Parson's Head, "That John's Desk in the Church was, at the least, four Inches higher than it should be:--That the Thing gave Offence, and was indecorous, inasmuch as it approach'd too near upon a Level with the Parson's Desk itself." This Hardship the Parson complained of loudly,--and told John one Day after Prayers, "He could bear it no longer:--And would have it alter'd and brought down as it should be." John made no other Reply, but, "That the Desk was not of his raising:--That 'twas not one Hair Breadth higher than he found it;--and that as he found it, so would he leave it:--In short, he would neither make an Encroachment, nor would he suffer one."
The late Parson might have his Virtues, but the leading Part of his Character was not Humility; so that John's Stiffness in this Point was not likely to reconcile Matters.--This was Trim's Harvest.
After a friendly Hint to John to stand his Ground,--away hies Trim to make his Market at the Vicarage: What pass'd there, I will not say, intending not to be uncharitable; so shall content myself with only guessing at it, from the sudden Change that appeared in Trim's Dress for the better;--for he had left his old ragged Coat, Hat and Wig, in the Stable, and was come forth strutting across the Church-yard, y'clad in a good creditable cast Coat, large Hat and Wig, which the Parson had just given him.--Ho! Ho! Hollo! John! cries Trim, in an insolent Bravo, as loud as ever he could bawl--See here, my Lad! how fine I am.--The more Shame for you, answered John, seriously.--Do you think, Trim, says he, such Finery, gain'd by such Services, becomes you, or can wear well?-- Fye upon it, Trim;--I could not have expected this from you, considering what Friendship you pretended, and how kind I