A Political Romance | Page 5

have ever been to you:-- How many Shillings and Sixpences I have generously lent you in your Distresses?--Nay, it was but t'other Day that I promised you these black Plush Breeches I have on.--Rot your Breeches, quoth Trim; for Trim's Brain was half turn'd with his new Finery:--Rot your Breeches, says he, --I would not take them up, were they laid at my Door;--give 'em, and be d----d to you, to whom you like; I would have you to know I can have a better Pair at the Parson's any Day in the Week:--John told him plainly, as his Word had once pass'd him, he had a Spirit above taking Advantage of his Insolence, in giving them away to another:--But, to tell him his Mind freely, he thought he had got so many Favours of that Kind, and was so likely to get many more for the same Services, of the Parson, that he had better give up the Breeches, with good Nature, to some one who would be more thankful for them.
Here John mentioned Mark Slender, (who, it seems, the Day before, had ask'd John for 'em) not knowing they were under Promise to Trim.--"Come, Trim, says he, let poor Mark have 'em,--You know he has not a Pair to his. A----: Besides, you see he is just of my Size, and they will fit him to a T; whereas, if I give 'em to you,--look ye, they are not worth much; and, besides, you could not get your Backside into them, if you had them, without tearing them all to Pieces."
Every Tittle of this was most undoubtedly true; for Trim, you must know, by foul Feeding, and playing the good Fellow at the Parson's, was grown somewhat gross about the lower Parts, if not higher: So that, as all John said upon the Occasion was fact, Trim, with much ado, and after a hundred Hum's and Hah's, at last, out of mere Compassion to Mark, signs, seals, and delivers up all Right, Interest, and Pretentions whatsoever, in and to the said breeches; thereby binding his Heirs, Executors, Administrators, and Assignes, never more to call the said Claim in Question.
All this Renunciation was set forth in an ample Manner, to be in pure Pity to Mark's Nakedness;--but the Secret was, Trim had an Eye to, and firmly expected in his own Mind, the great Green Pulpit-Cloth and old Velvet Cushion, which were that very Year to be taken down;--which, by the Bye, could he have wheedled John a second Time out of 'em, as he hoped, he had made up the Loss of his Breeches Seven-fold.
Now, you must know, this Pulpit-Cloth and Cushion were not in John's Gift, but in the Church-Wardens, &c.--However, as I said above, that John was a leading Man in the Parish, Trim knew he could help him to them if he would:--But John had got a Surfeit of him;--so, when the Pulpit-Cloth, &c. were taken down, they were immediately given (John having a great Say in it) to William Doe, who understood very well what Use to make of them.
As for the old Breeches, poor Mark Slender lived to wear them but a short Time, and they got into the Possession of Lorry Slim, an unlucky Wight, by whom they are still worn;--in Truth, as you will guess, they are very thin by this Time:--But Lorry has a light Heart; and what recommends them to him, is this, that, as, thin as they are, he knows that Trim, let him say what he will to the contrary, still envies the Possessor of them,--and, with all his Pride, would be very glad to wear them after him.
Upon this Footing have these Affairs slept quietly for near ten Years,-- and would have slept for ever, but for the unlucky Kicking-Bout; which, as I said, has ripp'd this Squabble up afresh: So that it was no longer ago than last Week, that Trim met and insulted John in the public Town- Way, before a hundred People;--tax'd him with the Promise of the old- cast-Pair-of-black-Breeches, notwithstanding Trim's solemn Renunciation; twitted him with the Pulpit-Cloth and Velvet Cushion,--as good as told him, he was ignorant of the common Duties of his Clerkship; adding, very insolently, That he knew not so much as to give out a common Psalm in Tune.--
John contented himself with giving a plain Answer to every Article that Trim had laid to his Charge, and appealed to his Neighbours who remembered the whole Affair;--and as he knew there was never any Thing to be got in wrestling with a Chimney-Sweeper,--he was going to take Leave of Trim for ever.--But, hold,--the Mob by this Time had got round them, and their High Mightinesses insisted upon having Trim tried upon the Spot.--Trim was accordingly tried; and, after a