A Parody Outline of History | Page 6

of a poet's dream, and the eternal loveliness of that vision which

men have glimpsed in all ages if ever so faintly. And when he had
finished, the eyes of Colombo were wet with tears, for into this poem
had he woven the dreams of his disillusionment. And somewhat
ironical to Colombo was the applause of those fine ladies who did not
at all understand.
"Now that is a pretty song", said King Ferdinand, "and do you tell us,
Colombo, how one may get to this land, so that I may extend the
borders of my most Catholic Kingdom and spread the teachings of the
true faith, for to bring the world under the blessed influence of my
religion is my only purpose, and really now", said King Ferdinand, "is
there as much gold there as you describe?"
"Ah, King Ferdinand", replied Colombo, "there is more gold than ever I
can tell, and I see only too plainly how grievously you suffer to think
that perhaps these people are living in ignorance of the true faith. And I
could ask nothing better than that King Ferdinand give me ships in
which I may sail to the westward and come at last to the land of my
imagining. This I would do in order that the blessed soldiers of King
Ferdinand who will follow me may show to the inhabitants of my
discovered land the grievous errors of their ways and bring them at last
to a realization of the true faith which has been so helpful to our own
dear Spain, and", added Colombo, "our gracious sovereign Ferdinand."
And droll it was to Colombo to think what might possibly happen were
King Ferdinand to take his dream seriously or were the King perhaps to
be informed as to the true meaning of Colombo's subtleties.
"Well, now", said King Ferdinand, "of course, to fit out such an
expedition would require great expense, my dear Colombo--great
expense. And, of course, you know, Colombo, that when investors can
buy Inquisition 4 1/4's for 89 it would be extremely difficult to raise the
money for such a speculative project--oh, extremely difficult. And then
you must consider the present depression--tell me now, Colombo", said
King Ferdinand, "how long do you think this depression will last, for I
seek, above all things, a return to healthy normalcy."
"Well, truly", replied Colombo, "that would be most difficult to say. I

note that on Rodigruez Babsyn's last chart--"
"I wish this Babsyn and his charts were in hell", said King Ferdinand,
"for it was he who advised me to sell Queen Isabel's silver holdings.
But it occurs to me, Colombo, that in connection with this land-of-gold
scheme of yours, you mentioned something about sailing to the
westward. Now Colombo, that would be a distinct disadvantage when it
came to marketing the bonds, for as you must already know, one cannot
sail to the west without encountering fierce and enormous monsters
who swallow, I am told, whole ships at a gulp."
"Now as to that", said Colombo, somewhat embarrassed at the turn of
the conversation for WEST had merely happened to better suit the
rhymes of his poem, "you may be right, and I should not go so far as to
say you are wrong, but still at the same time", said Colombo, "is there
any gentleman in the audience who can lend me an egg and a silk hat?"
And when an unmentionable egg and a doubtful silk hat had been
produced in a manner which it is not convenient to mention Colombo
rolled up both his sleeves and spoke the magic speech as he had learned
it on a certain Thursday from the sorcerer Thyrston.
"Ladies and gentlemen", said Colombo, "I have here a common
household egg which I shall now ask the ushers to pass among you so
you may see for yourself that there are no wires or strings attached.
While this is being done, ladies and gentlemen, I wish that three of you
would step up on the stage. Any three--don't be bashful girls-- I won't
hurt you. Won't that couple over there kindly oblige me-- that married
couple--no, folks, I guess they aren't married either-- they look too
happy."
Very painful it was to Colombo to hear these horrible jokes coming
from his mouth, but Thyrston had quoted the authority of all successful
sorcerers and not for anything would Colombo have had his trick a
failure.
"Now ladies and gentlemen", said Colombo, "I am going to ask this
lady and these two gentlemen if they will be so good as to see if they

can take this little egg and make it stand on end without any support."
And very droll it was to see the unsuccessful attempts which the three
made. Finally Colombo said:
"Now