A Parody Outline of History | Page 7

ladies and gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely. I put the
silk hat on my head--thus. And I take the egg in my right hand--thus.
Now, if this young lady will be kind enough to hold my left hand--I
hope that her best fellow doesn't mind letting such a pretty girl hold my
hand--it's lucky my wife can't see me, though--a friend said to me the
other day, 'Who was that lady I seen you with?' and I said, 'That wasn't
no lady, that was my wife'. Now ladies and gentlemen I take this egg,
and in order to make it stand upright I tap one end gently-- thus against
the table until that end is flattened-- and then, presto--the egg stands
upright. Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you one and all for your kind
attention."
Thus it was that Colombo impressed King Ferdinand and his court with
his profound knowledge of geography. Next the tale tells how there
came to Colombo on Michaelmas Eve one sent by Queen Isabel, And
when Colombo had buckled on his sword Impavide he followed the
messenger through winding corridors and came at last to the chamber
of the Queen. And as he knelt before her it seemed to Colombo that
never before had he seen such unforgettable beauty as shone in the eyes
of Queen Isabel. Yes, truly, this was the loveliest girl that Colombo had
ever imagined.
"Now do you rise", said she, "and you and I shall have a nice chat alone
here together, and you can tell me all about geography of which I am
oh, frightfully ignorant. In truth", said she, "I have tried to get
Ferdinand to instruct me, but I fear", said Queen Isabel, "that Ferdinand
does not understand me."
So Colombo instructed Queen Isabel in the fundamentals of geography.
And after a while he spoke.
"Now many people", said Colombo, "believe that the earth is flat, but",
said Colombo, "such is not at all the case."

And after an interval Colombo said, "There, my dear, do you not see
how ridiculous it is to suppose that the earth is anything but round?"
"Why surely, sire", said Queen Isabel, "you make it appear very round.
And I wonder that I had not thought of that before. And I think", said
Queen Isabel, "that geography is a most fascinating subject and oh,
messire Colombo", said the Queen, "you must come and instruct me
often."
Thus it was that Colombo became Royal Geographer. And the tale tells
how after a while various whisperings came to King Ferdinand of his
queen's curious enthusiasm for study.
"Now about this geography", said King Ferdinand one evening to the
Queen, "I am, my dear, indeed glad to see you take an interest in such
an important study and I have arranged", said the King, "to have your
tutoring in the future done by Father Bernadino who has had fifty-two
years' experience at the University, and your lessons", said the King,
"will commence tomorrow."
Said the Queen, "How can I thank you enough, dear Ferdinand, for
your untiring interest in my welfare. For I have been struggling along
in my study of geography with a horribly dull clod whose name", said
the Queen, "I cannot remember."
"Was it, by any chance, Colombo?" asked the King.
"Perhaps", said the Queen. "But I am oh so glad to be rid of him." And
indeed so great was the happiness of Queen Isabel that her pillow that
night was wet with tears.
But King Ferdinand was an unusually efficient king, and he spared no
pains in his craving for normalcy. So it was that the next day he called
to him the man who had chanced to be Royal Geographer before the
coup d'oeuf of Colombo.
"Now tell me", said the King, "is there any chance that a man who sails
to the westward will ever return?"

"None, your Majesty", said the ex-Royal Geographer. "For many have
tried and horrible are the tales which they tell of demons and monsters
lying in wait for the ships of men. And I should say definitely, oh
King", said he, "that whoever sails to the westward will never return."
And the tale tells how that afternoon Colombo stood before King
Ferdinand. And very strange to Colombo was the enthusiasm which
burned in the King's otherwise somewhat fishlike eye.
"For know you, Colombo", the King was saying, "that God has spoken
to me and commanded me to save from the fires of hell the inhabitants
of those golden lands of which you sang. And to you, my dear
Colombo, is to be given the chance which you so ardently desire. For I
have this day purchased three ships which await your command, and
within a week you should be well on