A Book of Burlesques | Page 2

thing, but without the knife. He had what
they call appleplexy. It runs in my family.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
They say it's in his'n, too.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
But he never looked it.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
No. Nobody woulda thought he woulda been the next.
FIRST PALLBEARER
Them are the things you never can tell anything about.
SECOND PALLBEARER
Ain't it true!
THIRD PALLBEARER
We're here to-day and gone to-morrow.
(A pause. Feet are shuffled. Somewhere a door bangs.)

FOURTH PALLBEARER
(Brightly.) He looks elegant. I hear he never suffered none.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
No; he went too quick. One minute he was alive and the next minute he
was dead.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
Think of it: dead so quick!
FIRST PALLBEARER
Gone!
SECOND PALLBEARER
Passed away!
THIRD PALLBEARER
Well, we all have to go some time.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
Yes; a man never knows but what his turn'll come next.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
You can't tell nothing by looks. Them sickly fellows generally lives to
be old.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
Yes; the doctors say it's the big stout person that goes off the soonest.
They say typhord never kills none but the healthy.

FIRST PALLBEARER
So I have heered it said. My wife's youngest brother weighed 240
pounds. He was as strong as a mule. He could lift a sugar-barrel, and
then some. Once I seen him drink damn near a whole keg of beer. Yet it
finished him in less'n three weeks--and he had it mild.
SECOND PALLBEARER
It seems that there's a lot of it this fall.
THIRD PALLBEARER
Yes; I hear of people taken with it every day. Some say it's the water.
My brother Sam's oldest is down with it.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
I had it myself once. I was out of my head for four weeks.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
That's a good sign.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
Yes; you don't die as long as you're out of your head.
FIRST PALLBEARER
It seems to me that there is a lot of sickness around this year.
SECOND PALLBEARER
I been to five funerals in six weeks.
THIRD PALLBEARER
I beat you. I been to six in five weeks, not counting this one.

FOURTH PALLBEARER
A body don't hardly know what to think of it scarcely.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
That's what I always say: you can't tell who'll be next.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
Ain't it true! Just think of him.
FIRST PALLBEARER
Yes; nobody woulda picked him out.
SECOND PALLBEARER
Nor my brother John, neither.
THIRD PALLBEARER
Well, what must be must be.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
Yes; it don't do no good to kick. When a man's time comes he's got to
go.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
We're lucky if it ain't us.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
So I always say. We ought to be thankful.
FIRST PALLBEARER
That's the way I always feel about it.

SECOND PALLBEARER
It wouldn't do him no good, no matter what we done.
THIRD PALLBEARER
We're here to-day and gone to-morrow.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
But it's hard all the same.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
It's hard on her.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
Yes, it is. Why should he go?
FIRST PALLBEARER
It's a question nobody ain't ever answered.
SECOND PALLBEARER
Nor never won't.
THIRD PALLBEARER
You're right there. I talked to a preacher about it once, and even he
couldn't give no answer to it.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
The more you think about it the less you can make it out.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
When I seen him last Wednesday he had no more ideer of it than what

you had.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
Well, if I had my choice, that's the way I would always want to die.
FIRST PALLBEARER
Yes; that's what I say. I am with you there.
SECOND PALLBEARER
Yes; you're right, both of you. It don't do no good to lay sick for
months, with doctors' bills eatin' you up, and then have to go anyhow.
THIRD PALLBEARER
No; when a thing has to be done, the best thing to do is to get it done
and over with.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
That's just what I said to my wife when I heerd.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
But nobody hardly thought that he woulda been the next.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
No; but that's one of them things you can't tell.
FIRST PALLBEARER
You never know who'll be the next.
SECOND PALLBEARER
It's lucky you don't.

THIRD PALLBEARER
I guess you're right.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
That's what my grandfather used to say: you never know what is
coming.
FIFTH PALLBEARER
Yes; that's the way it goes.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
First one, and then somebody else.
FIRST PALLBEARER
Who it'll be you can't say.
SECOND PALLBEARER
I always say the same: we're here to-day----
THIRD PALLBEARER
(Cutting in jealousy and humorously.) And to-morrow we ain't here.
(A subdued and sinister snicker. It is followed by sudden silence. There
is a shuffling of feet in the front room, and whispers. Necks are craned.
The pallbearers straighten their