A Book of Burlesques

A Book of Burlesques, by H. L.
Mencken

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Mencken
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Title: A Book of Burlesques
Author: H. L. Mencken

Release Date: July 25, 2007 [eBook #22145]
Language: English
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A BOOK OF BURLESQUES
by
H. L. MENCKEN

[Illustration]

Published at the Borzoi · New York · by Alfred · A · Knopf
Copyright, 1916, 1920, by Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.
Printed in the United States of America

CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I. DEATH: A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION 11 II. FROM THE
PROGRAMME OF A CONCERT 27 III. THE WEDDING: A STAGE
DIRECTION 51 IV. THE VISIONARY 71 V. THE ARTIST: A
DRAMA WITHOUT WORDS 83 VI. SEEING THE WORLD 105 VII.
FROM THE MEMOIRS OF THE DEVIL 135 VIII. LITANIES FOR
THE OVERLOOKED 149 IX. ASEPSIS: A DEDUCTION IN
SCHERZO FORM 159 X. TALES OF THE MORAL AND
PATHOLOGICAL 183 XI. THE JAZZ WEBSTER 201 XII. THE
OLD SUBJECT 213 XIII. PANORAMAS OF PEOPLE 223 XIV.

HOMEOPATHICS 231 XV. VERS LIBRE 237

The present edition includes some epigrams from "A Little Book in C
Major," now out of print. To make room for them several of the smaller
sketches in the first edition have been omitted. Nearly the whole
contents of the book appeared originally in The Smart Set. The
references to a Europe not yet devastated by war and an America not
yet polluted by Prohibition show that some of the pieces first saw print
in far better days than these.
H. L. M.
February 1, 1920.

I.--DEATH
I.--Death. A Philosophical Discussion
The back parlor of any average American home. The blinds are drawn
and a single gas-jet burns feebly. A dim suggestion of festivity: strange
chairs, the table pushed back, a decanter and glasses. A heavy,
suffocating, discordant scent of flowers--roses, carnations, lilies,
gardenias. A general stuffiness and mugginess, as if it were raining
outside, which it isn't.
A door leads into the front parlor. It is open, and through it the flowers
may be seen. They are banked about a long black box with huge nickel
handles, resting upon two folding horses. Now and then a man comes
into the front room from the street door, his shoes squeaking hideously.
Sometimes there is a woman, usually in deep mourning. Each visitor
approaches the long black box, looks into it with ill-concealed
repugnance, snuffles softly, and then backs of toward the door. A clock
on the mantel-piece ticks loudly. From the street come the usual
noises--a wagon rattling, the clang of a trolley car's gong, the shrill cry
of a child.

In the back parlor six pallbearers sit upon chairs, all of them bolt
upright, with their hands on their knees. They are in their Sunday
clothes, with stiff white shirts. Their hats are on the floor beside their
chairs. Each wears upon his lapel the gilt badge of a fraternal order,
with a crêpe rosette. In the gloom they are indistinguishable; all of
them talk in the same strained, throaty whisper. Between their remarks
they pause, clear their throats, blow their noses, and shuffle in their
chairs. They are intensely uncomfortable. Tempo: Adagio lamentoso,
with occasionally a rise to andante maesto. So:
FIRST PALLBEARER
Who woulda thought that he woulda been the next?
SECOND PALLBEARER
Yes; you never can tell.
THIRD PALLBEARER
(An oldish voice, oracularly.) We're here to-day and gone to-morrow.
FOURTH PALLBEARER
I seen him no longer ago than Chewsday. He never looked no better.
Nobody would have----
FIFTH PALLBEARER
I seen him Wednesday. We had a glass of beer together in the
Huffbrow Kaif. He was laughing and cutting up like he always done.
SIXTH PALLBEARER
You never know who it's gonna hit next. Him and me was pallbearers
together for Hen Jackson no more than a month ago, or say five weeks.
FIRST PALLBEARER

Well, a man is lucky if he goes off quick. If I had my way I wouldn't
want no better way.
SECOND PALLBEARER
My brother John went thataway. He dropped like a stone, settin' there at
the supper table. They had to take his knife out of his hand.
THIRD PALLBEARER
I had an uncle to do the same