25 Lies Men Are Told | Page 5

out - period. No am ount of pleading or bargaining is going to salvage
this relationship, so don't embarrass yourself fu rther by pursuing it. Back off, quickly and totally,
and make a new life for yourself.
18. You're a nice guy, but...: This is a kinder and gentler version of "I need my space." The
results are the same, however. She's still givi ng you the bum's rush and you're back to pork and
beans and living at the Holiday Inn. Sometimes, "You're a nice guy but..." is followed directly by "I
need my space." In that case, you might as well move to a different state, because by nightfall
she'll have told everyone she knows that not only are you an asshole, but also that you were
suffocating her and not allowing her to grow. No man ever understood exactly what this means,
but every man knows what it means to him. It means that no woman within earshot of your former
Significant Other will touch you with a ten-f oot pole. They may want to be wined and dined,
maybe even hugged and touched (as long as the hugger and toucher is a moderately wealthy

Brad Pitt look-alike), but it's a surefire bet they never want to be suffocated. Say goodbye, big
boy!
19. I just want you to be happy: [TRANSLATION - Like Hell!] Another Hall-Of-Fame classic. A
happy man in the presence of any woman is doomed. The moment she thinks he's happy, she'll
stop at nothing in her effort to make him miser able. For reasons that escape logic, women blame
men, any man will suffice, for the pain they felt gi ving birth and, by God, it is their sworn duty as
Sisters of the Flesh to make him pay. If she tells you she wants you to be happy, it's time to find a
hobby or a second job or anything that will keep y ou out of the house and out of her way or else
you'll pay dearly. What's even worse is the fact that she will first tell you that she wants you to be
happy, then proceed to tell you exactly what it is that will make you happy. If you thought that
being happy meant watching a football game on S unday afternoon while drinking a beer, you may
be surprised when you learn that, in fact, the only th ing that will make you truly happy is for you to
take her first to the mall and then to visit her mother. Nothing else will do it in her mind.
20. I want to have your children: [TRANSLATION - Since I'll probably play hell in this male
dominated justice system getting alimony, I'm goi ng to get as much child support as I can
squeeze out of you.] Women love kids, especially their own. They love picking out names for
them and all the other things associated with having kids. Sometimes they'll even include you in
the plans and schemes, particularly if you're the one with the insurance. But, once the kids arrive,
you might as well move into the garage because she'll have about as much use for you as she
would a grease gun. You'll be lucky if you aren't sharing a bed with the family pooch within a
month after the blessed event, on the porch, so s he can have "her" child close by and not have to
worry that your influence can permanently corrupt the child.
21. I worry about your health: [TRANSLATION - If you think I'm going to waste the best years
of my life taking care of your sick ass when I could be on a cruise, you better think again.] This is
one place where all men start out at a disadv antage. Women outlive us by an average of ten
years and they know it. Sometime around the age of fifty, they reach what is commonly known as
"The Cruise Age." This is the time of their lif e when they begin to think of a life beyond marriage,
a time when all grieving widows get together and sail the Caribbean in s\
earch of soulmates with
whom they can swap tales of what horrible marri ages they had and how glad they are that the old
coot finally had the good sense to die. If y ou are a middle-aged man and your spouse begins
checking your pulse every morning, it's time to shuffle off into the sunset because she's got plans
for the years after your untimely demise. If she starts feeding you fried foods and red-eye gravy,
you might as well figure